TFLN Texts of The Day

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Hell Yeah

This article can probably be filed under "MEN." And if there was a gun-punctuation mark it would be in there too. This is a picture of the new A-Team movie's four leading actors: Bradley Cooper (The Hangover) as Face, Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson (UFC Fighter) as B.A. Baracus, Sharlto Copley (District 9) as Murdock, and Liam Neeson (Taken & Batman Begins) as Hannibal. Also not picture is Jessica Biel which is an extra bonus for men. I assume this movie is going to take the route of Transformers 2, which is just to blow shit up and have a sexy chick come in the picture in random places. Fine by me.

This Isn't It, By A Long Shot

(I'd watch a Bubbles movie)

Michael Jackson's final film/concert/goodbye/drainage of money comes out this Wednesday and people can not wait(read here-excuse the grammar, iZ oNlY dA EnTeRnEtT). I for one am not one of those people thank god. I'm gonna get ripped for this but I could really care less to see this movie at all. Maybe when it is on VH1 in a few months I'll give it a look but it still won't be as good as The Jacksons Movie (full video here if you haven't seen it).

People are acting as if this is his farewell message to his fans but it is not. If he knew he was going to die (re: overdose) and recorded a movie saying goodbye and chronicling his last days then it would be completely different. But we can play the if game all day long and this movie still won't be anything other than an attempt to make money off a dead man. I do not want to watch a glorified "practice session." Many people are saying "But this is his LAST movie." I didn't watch any of his other movies anyways so I could care less.

Now I'm not here to shit on arguably one of the greatest entertainers of all time just stating my opinion. So in between Tool Academy, Rock of Love, Charm School, Behind The Music, Anvil, and all the other VH1 programs that instill family values I'll look for This Is It, then inevitably This Is More of It the sequel.

Maybe Your Child Shouldn't Be Such a Fairy

(He's pleasant looking)

"Where The Wild Things Are" was one of my favorite books growing up and I've passed it on to two of my younger siblings. If you are unfamiliar with it it's about a spoiled kid who gets sent to his room and embarks upon a journey of his own imagining. He meets friendly monsters and becomes their king. (It's a short synopsis because it is a children's book, that's all there is)

Recently Spike Jonze (Jackass, Jackass 2, and more) was chosen to direct the big screen adaptation of Maurice Sendak's 1963 book. Personally I have not seen the movie yet but am looking forward to it. Many reviews are positive for the most part except for the fact that some tend to say the film would be scary for young kids. Newsweek brought this up to Mr. Sendak, and well, he will have none of that:

"I would tell them to go to hell," Sendak said. And if children can't handle the story, they should "go home," he added. "Or wet your pants. Do whatever you like. But it's not a question that can be answered."

Except for the fact that he answered it, well in my eyes at least. But he didn't stop there, apparently he had a bone to pick with Disney and that prick Mickey Mouse:

"Sendak also criticised Disney, saying it was "terrible" for children. . . "He did things to Minnie that were not nice. I think what happened was that he became so popular – this is my own theory – they gave his cruelty and his toughness to Donald Duck. And they made Mickey a fat nothing. . . I despised him after a point."

Personally, I see his point, if your kids can't handle Where The Wild Things Are then stop sheltering them. What happens when the kid gets to high school, shit can get a lot scarier there. Having siblings that watch Nickelodeon and Disney it is a lot more refreshing to see something out there that is not cookie cutter. There is no more TGIF on Fridays for kids to watch or even decent Saturday morning cartoons, so yes, if you think this is scary, go to hell.

[Guardian]

It's Not You It's Me

Sorry I haven't updated in forever, I guess people were actually reading this. I'm not gonna try and go back and cover anything so we'll just pretend like I've been doing this consistently. Great.

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (267): i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
2. (865): If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
3. (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
4. (706): Did we have sex last night?(1-706): I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
5. (203): I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
6. (604): I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
7. (325): That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
8. (310): you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
9. (865): Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
10. (403): and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants

Jessica Simpson Can Predict The Future?

Jessica Simpson had an interview in the new edition of Glamour that took place before her break up with "that's my quarterback." She pondered about how she would cope with losing Tony Romo. She then likened a breakup to a "close death in the family." Except I'm pretty sure your creepy dad doesn't push them to their death. It's ok though because she can rely on her many talents like her brains:


Her great music:


Or her great acting:

Bill Clinton Did Not Get The Hans Brix Treatment

Bill "Superman" Clinton went to North Korea to get two American journalists freed from North Korea for spying-at least I think it's spying, I refuse to read the article I'm attributing this to even. I basically picked this up because Billy C did what our President couldn't do and most importantly for this:



[SunTimes]

Wisconsin Women. . .

I hope most of you (men) have heard this story by now and maybe taken caution. No, I'm not saying don't sleep around, just don't do it in Wisconsin.

A man was tied up, blindfolded, and bound to a bed in a Wisconsin motel by his wife and three lovers. He was then assaulted physically and sexually (re:penis super glued to his stomach). The women obviously committed a felony and face six years in prison for the offense which is nowhere near long enough.

I think the guy actually came out on top in this story though, he will for sure be getting a divorce and will no longer be with a woman from Wisconsin.

[SunTimes]

Saved By The Bell Reunion

Does it really even matter? The (televised) Saved By The Bell reunion that everyone can can't wait for-the one that is being spearheaded by Jimmy Fallon- is running into a few problems. Those problems happen to be Dustin Diamond (Screech) and Dennis Haskins (Mr. Belding). The People magazine issue above came out recently and had the entire cast except Screech, Mr. Belding, and Leah Remini (I can hope) on it, which naturally led to bitching.

Like everyone else I grew up with this show and while it would be cool to see them all together I could also do without it. Part of the appeal of this show was being a child and watching it. Then you get to high school and realize this isn't partying, you rarely talk to your principal, and fights are a lot worse than this. Oh well, I'm sure it will happen because everyone is so busy these days.

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (403): you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
2. (719): then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
3. (918): The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
4. (815): Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
5. (323): Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?(1-323): We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?(323): Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
6. (416): I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.(1-416): u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
7. (732): my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
8. (858): I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
9. (909): why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
10. (978): my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night

[TFLN]

She Should Get The Death Penalty

A 67 year old woman in New York poured boiling water on her sleeping husband's genitals that led to 2nd and 3rd degree burns over 30% of his body. She did this because she found out that her 67 year old husband of 20 years was having an affair. First off, congrats that you're still healthy to have sex at 67, and secondly fuck her. That's just so painful. I hated her when I read the link.

[WPIX]

Study: Tanning Beds are Bad For You. . .

A new study shows that tanning beds are bad for you. . .no shit. This was one of those inventions that tried to improve on an effect from one of God's creations, except it didn't work and is stupid. Nothing worse than a girl with leathery skin that may glow in the dark. Dumb.

[Tribune]

Obama Should Have Kept His Mouth Shut, Twice

I don't often write stuff that is supposed to be smart but I guess I'll suppress my comedic thoughts for a bit.

If you haven't heard of the story (you live in a cave) here's a quick run down: A prominent professor returns home with his driver, both men are African American, and has problems getting into his house. After trying several times to get in the front and back door the professor and his driver shoulder their way through the door. A neighbor or passerby witnesses all this and calls the police to report a possible break in. When the white police officer arrives to investigate he has words with the professor and ultimately ends up arresting him.

The exchange between the two is disputed with the officer saying the professor was uncooperative while the professor says he was. That is all "he said, she said" at this point. Aside from that President Obama came out and said that the police department "acted stupidly" and admitted he may be biased as the professor is a friend of his.

In my opinion Obama acted stupidly for making a biased opinion, especially when he was fully unaware of the facts. Mary Mitchell of the SunTimes, who I rarely agree with and matter of factly think 99% of her articles are complete trash, wrote two articles that I mostly agree with (article 1 here and article 2 here). Once again I said mostly agree so don't read into it too much. The key point in both her articles though that I 100% agree with is that she says both sides overreacted. That's what this whole event is including the President, who, like I said should have kept his mouth shut.

Ya, Sorry I Tend To Try and Work Sometimes

Sorry for the absensce but I'm trying to work to keep my job in this economy, crazy I know. In the mean time take this as a token of my appreciation:



Old but still funny.

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (970): I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
2. (858): I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn start.
3. (818): My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
4. (301): Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
5. (315): So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
6. (740): Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook. (740): Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight.
7. (415): I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die? (510): I hope so
8. (508): even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
9. (917): I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
10. (613): Sorry, I don't speak sober.
11. (843): His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.

Bubbles is Ok

And no not your favorite stripper. We are talking about Michael's former monkey. He was found in an animal sanctuary doing well and is now 26 years old. I don't know how old that is relative to human years but he looks old in the link below.

He will not be attending the funeral though because he is "too violent." I would pay to see a violent monkey at a funeral. It would definitely lighten the mood and what would be funnier than Bubbles flinging shit at Joe Jackson?

[DailyMail]

Shiiiiiiiiit

The Sears Tower opens its new skydeck viewing area today and I for one will not be in attendance. As cool as this looks I do not trust it. I'm a big guy and I was not meant to fly or levitate above the ground near the world's tallest building (fuck you Malysia). I am pretty sure god would have taken care of the whole flying thing if need be. Plus I do not want to be in there with that asshole who rides the elevator/ferris wheel and thinks it would be hilarious to jump up and down or rock around. No thank you. On my death bed I'll be perfectly happy not visiting this thing.

[Yahoo]

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (360): She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
2. (973): Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, it is usually in some way in control of California.
3. (519): i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis.
4. (850): JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
5. (415): if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
6. (503): So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
7. (406): we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
8. (916): He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
9. (313): sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test. (1-313): but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
10. (678): Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
11. (813): i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
12. (732): I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of luck strikes right now. Post-hiv.
13. (516): I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
14. (831): You should get sea herpes (813): I mean sea horses
15. (248): Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

In "People Not Named Michael Jackson" Death News

Farrah Fawcett died. I'm a little young to have watched her on TV but I remember other things about her, things that can not be pulled up on a company computer so google it yourself.

Ed McMahon died as well. As good as he was on Star Search, The Tonight Show, and other crap I can only remember him for this:

Billy Mays also died and as someone, somewhere on the internet put it, "I imagine his last words were LOUD."

This Is Just Amazing

Can't even comment, just watch it:

Oh Yeah, This Happened. . .

(Picture of health)

If you live under a rock you still heard about this. I really have nothing to say other than:

1. He will probably go down as the best entertainer of our lifetime.
2. He was beyond psychological repair long before that picture.
3. I only feel bad that we lost him as an entertainer because taking daily pain killer injections really isn't that smart.

So get over it people, with the help of our friend:

Sorrrrrrry

I know it's been awhile but I've had shit to do, like school and work and watch a shit ton of The Shield and Rescue Me. So deal with it.

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (609): so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
2. (920): the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
3. (505): No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
4. (650): dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning (805): 1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
5. (208): I'm going to shit on something weird. . . I can't wait
6. (952): i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame...like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
7. (614): Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
8. (719): Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
9. (908): You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
10. (256): every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"... i think she's mad now
11. (267): My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
12. (479): I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
13. (815): I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eded and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
    

Bret Michaels Is An Idiot

Bret Michaels performed at the Tony Awards (I still don't know the connection) and ran into the set (to put it lightly).

He broke his nose and had some bleeding and stuff but oh well, he's fine and I don't feel bad for him. This is the Rock of Love, Rock Love Tour Bus thingy, and Poison guy. Oh well, deal with it.

He issued a statement about how upset he was with the Tony Awards.

"For the record never at any point during my Sunday morning rehearsal was I ever instructed that the piece was coming down and that I had very little time to get off the stage, otherwise believe me I would have stopped or at least ducked so as not to be knocked out at the Tonys. Trust me I never wanted any of this to happen. I was simply doing as I was told which was to exit the stage as Poison’s song "Nothin' but a Good Time" came to a close."

This may be god paying you back for throwing STD's around like party favors Brett.

The video is below and I find it amazing that his band and everyone else knew to get back behind that big prop but he didn't. Apparently drugs and booze do not enhance your listening abilities.

I have linked the People article so you can read his full statement.



[People]

Your Dog Likes Pot

A dog in Seattle ate some pot and got high. I don't know why but I find this hilarious. Video is below but some gems are:

• He became dizzy and disoriented
• His eyes were glassy
• He fell over when sitting down
• He became hungry and ate pudding and then decided to text his ex girlfriend*

*That's a lie

Madonna Gearing Up For World War III

Malawi has approved Madonna's bid to adopt a second child. You know what this means, the future war of 2030 between Angelina and Madonna is underway. Let's take a look at it:

Angelina Jolie-6 Kids

• Brad Pitt- The once domestic and tranquil Pitt was recruited by Jolie to train the children in the art of Fight Club and in reverse aging when need be.
• Maddox- This soon to be 8 year old is from Cambodia. Skilled in explosives, he is the elder and veteran of the crew.
• Zahara- At just 4 years old, this Ethiopian native is a master of foreign languages and disguises.
• Shiloh- The 3 year old is the first blood child of Pitt and Jolie. She is slowly becoming an expert in espionage and reconnaissance.
• Pax-Turns 6 in November and is becoming an expert in knives and the Brazilian art of Capoera.
• Knox & Vivienne- The twins are the latest addition to the clan and turn 1 next month. While they are believed to be humans they are in fact not. Undergoing experimental surgery over 2 years ago, Pitt and Jolie were able to clone skin tissue to disguise the first ever privately owned, human like Transformers.

Madonna-4 Kids

• Lourdes- The oldest of the Madonna brood at about 13 she is also the most skilled. A black belt in Krav Maga and Brazilian Jiu Jitsui she is deadly. She can also speak 7 languages and is an excellent marksman.
• Rocco- Around 10 years old the elder boy is the spy's spy. With his Hollywood parents and his British ancestry he is the modern day Bond.
• David- The Malawi born David is about 4 years old and is a quick learner. With his raw strength he excels at hand to hand combat and is also the tech expert of the group.
• Mercy- Madonna has just won the rights to 3 year old Mercy and could not be happier. Mercy is the world's youngest stunt woman ever. Equipped with these skills she also is a card shark, able to overturn a casino in a day, a resourceful skill to supply the family with their cash.

You hear it here first. This is the next world war and by the looks of it I'm sure that these families have only just started gearing up.

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (402): I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
2. (202): he's my edward cullen (770): I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
3. (619): he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
4. (773): I feel like a panda just shit raimbows on my mind
5. (850): So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
6. (478): i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
7. (281): the condom got lost in my hair
8. (216): my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing? (1-216): i'd get off the bar first.
9. (248): I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine this is how Ethopians feel about food.
10. (401): I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
11. (810): i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand. (1-810): nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
12. (901): I'm bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
13. (803): dude why did you let me call her?! (1-803): i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
14. (269): We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
15. (703): Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
    

And I'm Gonna Be A Model

Kendra Wilkinson (Girls Next Door) is pregnant. Not a surprise really as studies show it's easy to get pregnant with your clothes off constantly. Her husband Hank Baskett is a receiver for the Eagles and this was probably his best catch. Not because of her but because she will probably out earn him.

Her former costar on Girls Next Door, Holly Madison, says she's going to be a soccer mom. Riiiiight. Holly Madison dated Criss Angel. Enough said. Although I guess it's a step up from David Blaine.

[People]

How Do You Kill Women and Children?

. . .easy, don't lead 'em as much.

A woman jumped the White House fence yesterday. Not really a story but it reminded me of this clip (jump to 1:30 for the line, it's a good clip though):

Meet Mel Gibson's New Friend

Not only is Jeremiah Wright a reverend, he's also a big follower of the church of Mel Gibson.

" 'Them Jews aren't going to let him talk to me. I told my baby daughter, that he'll talk to me in five years when he's a lame duck, or in eight years when he's out of office,' Wright was quoted as saying in an article posted Tuesday."

Rev. Wright is a prick, plain and simple. Whatever God is up there is shaking his head asking how this guy became a "voice of god."

Oh well at least he's patriotic:

[Sun Times]

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (828): if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for a gold right now.
2. (44): What's everyones problem with my costume?! (1-44): It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
3. (206): I thought spray tan was a myth (1-206): ? (206): You know, something that only happens in Jersey
4. (502): Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job. (973): I'm moving there. Get me hired.
5. (508): Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
6. (403): Are you so shy because you have an std?
7. (850): It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
8. (917): Eric got herpes from Jo-ann (914): That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
9. (650): like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
10. (216): He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.

Just Like My Kitchen At Home

I actually like Hell's Kitchen. People go on a reality show and get treated like shit. Count me as a loyal watcher. Gordon Ramsay belittles and berates his chefs every episode without fail and this makes for interesting TV.

Seems this time he forgot he wasn't on his show though and instead an Australian News program. Oh well, watch for yourself. I'm pretty sure this is considered a war in Australia.



[CNN]

Helen Keller Could Figure This Out

American Idol runner up Adam Lambert gave an exclusive interview with Rolling Stone and the hot topic was if he is gay. . . .

That photo is a head shot and he might as well be saying he's going to make out with a man in 2 minutes. If you have seen clips of Idol or anywhere else you know he's gay. Good for him too. It doesn't matter either way or affect his singing (and I'll admit he can sing).

Rolling Stone's next mysteries to solve:

• Is the sky blue?
• Is the world flat?
• How are babies made?
• Is Santa Claus real
• Why do people still read Rolling Stone?

I Think This Should Be A Weekly Occurrence

The video below is a live promo for AE's new reality show that follows MC Hammer's life. I don't know how good this show is going to be or even want to guess as Hammer was recently doing Cash for Gold and Nationwide (Read: No more money) commercials. The only thing that gives me hope is the programs on AE that I like: Gene Simmons' Family Jewels, Intervention, and more.

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the Day is now blocked at my job (probably a good thing) so we'll see how many I put up a day as I don't want to type that much since iPhone's can't copy and paste:

1. (850) Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
2. (860) Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
3. (850) TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas. (407) i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
4. (304) I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
5. (443) my mom's boyfriend is over for the first time. he's already telling me and the little sister how he's so comfortable around us that he'd easily change into his bathing suit in the middle of the kitchen. i nonchalantly told his french ass that we don't roll like that in america, carefully pronouncing "a-mer-i-ca" so he could understand.
6. (516) what, no i told him that it wasnt necessary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
7. (616) Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
8. (814) listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
9. (304) My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary" ...greatest adj ever applied to my dick.
10. (845) don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter.

[TFLN]

Eddie Murphy

Saw an Italian kid driving today whose hair could be cut and the spikes used as darts. So here ya go:


This is one of my favorites:

Kyra Sedgwick Has It Rough

(Don't fault me for liking Rachel Ray)

Kyra Sedgwick blogged and was talking about Footloose, Chace Crawford, and something else. Then she started talking about how society is a man's world and, well here, you read it:

"Case in point: Even Sedgwick found it tough to request extra vacation days from her TV series. "It was a hard thing to ask for," she says, "whereas if it was a man … it wouldn't have been a big drama. For me, it was, 'Is this an okay thing to do, they all count on me, what are they going to do without me?' It was all a little grandiose."

If you're unfamiliar with her, she's married to Kevin Bacon and her show (The Closer) is on the NBA Channel TNT. I have personally never watched it because Holly Hunter and Kyra Sedgwick are like twins that I could care less about.

Back on topic though, she is the star of this show, the headliner ( although J.K. Simmons is pretty much great in anything. I'm sure the director (Kevin Bacon directed 3 times) and the producer gave her a lot of shit. Wait, according to IMDB she is a producer. I often have a hard time looking myself in the mirror and asking myself for a day off. Also, you're an actress. Your life (at this point) is no longer hard. I'm not saying your job is easy but you're not living in Detroit wondering if your kids will have dinner to eat. Go bitch to someone else.

Women don't take this as me thinking there's no sexism left in the world, I know there is. Real women suffer from it everyday but I don't think actors (men or women) have as much to bitch about.

[People]

Ooops

Terrorists apparently needed a break, so we gave them one.

"The government accidentally posted on the Internet a list of government and civilian nuclear facilities and their activities in the United States, but a U.S. official said Wednesday the posting included no information that compromised national security."

How do you accidentally post a 266 page document online? I can't accidentally read 1 page let alone post an entire book's worth of pages on the Internet. I'm pretty sure the part about "not compromising national security" is accurate. Nuclear is Latin for not harmful at all I believe.

Good job America.

[Yahoo]

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of The Day:

1. (212): I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
2. (816): FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
3. (330): I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
4. (416): i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
5. (805): before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
6. (404): I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high(954): Yeah, I don't like babies at all
7. (410): it was a mass text i'm sorry(603): do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
8. (225): I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.(504): Who won?(225): All of them.
9. (914): I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
10. (440): so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"

[TFLN]

Jon & Kate Don't Use The Bathroom Together Either

People.com wrote up an article about how Kate from the Jon & Kate start a basketball team show took her 8 kids to the beach without her husband. There have been rumors that both have cheated with evidence pointing to Jon more or less. (Apparently they have a secret contract that allows him to cheat as long as he's around for the cameras.....luckyyyyyyy)

I digress though. This would be a big deal if she took them by herself. I sometimes can't take myself places because I can't control me, let alone 8 kids. This family is notorious though for having a ton of nannies (not just on camera either) so I don't feel so bad. Plus she's getting paid to do what most people do for free-parenting. Suck on it People.

She's hot now, but enjoy eating today after seeing this:

[People]

Eminem Gets Up Close With Bruno

The MTV Movie Awards were Sunday and although I didn't catch them (I'm sure I can catch replay 847,657 of 1,000,000) I did see this little "event." People are saying this is orchestrated with Eminem knowing it was too happen and I believe it. Popular theory is that he didn't know Bruno would be naked which I can believe. I don't know how many people would agree to have this happen but judge for yourselves.

Oh Yeah, GM Did Something....

...and I believe it went like this:

Conan's Back

*Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, I have a life (kinda) and a job.

So the long awaited debut of Conan as the new Tonight Show host was last night and I think it was a great show. Funny all around and he didn't disappoint. The only thing I was a little sad about was that Andy wasn't on the couch with him.

Either way great show and if I ever go to Universal Studios I want a trolley tour with him.

Fests This Weekend

There are 2 street fests this weekend:

28th-31st: Mayfest Part Deux (Lincoln Square)This is the "more legit" Mayfest but let's be serious, drinking beer outdoors doesn't take authenticity it takes dedication and a degree of stupidity at times. There's also Maypole dancing and that does NOT involve strippers.
http://www.mayfestchicago.com/

30th-31st: Belmont/Sheffield Music Fest Standard beer and music. Oh and arts and crafts if you can resist spending all that money on beer.
http://www.chicagoevents.com/event.cfm?eid=140

Week Off

I'm taking a week off (this week). My posts were lazy on Tuesday and I have some work stuff to do. Maybe I'll update at home tonight but don't get excited.

TFLN Texts of The Day

So if you can't tell I'm feeling a little lazy today and I actually have work to do. Here's some extra texts to start the(or my) week off:

1. (303): erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
2. (630): just tell him i said nine months
3. (732): I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
4. (213): I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
5. (443): There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
6. (336): walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
7. (508): dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move (617): that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
8. (325): wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
9. (616): His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"(616): He did it well too
10. (972): I'm scared(337): There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.(972): That's what I'm afraid of
11. (312): Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
12. (508): just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
13. (908): wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
14. (305): I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
15. (520): I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
16. (631): I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
17. (770): I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
18. (514): just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
19. (248): i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
20. (813): I'm fucking your sister right now.(1-813): You motherfucker(813): She's next.

[TFLN]

Mike Tyson's Daughter on Life Support

Not a funny story here but Tyson's 4 year old daughter is on life support as of today. Apparently she was playing near exercise equipment and got strangled by a hanging cord that acted as a noose.

Sad story so to lighten up the mood here's Tyson singing:



[Tribune]

Red Bull Has Cocaine

No funny title here, it's "my Monday." Germany has found traces of cocaine in Red Bull Cola products. Good news for me as an all weekend drinking binge resulted in a lot of Red Bull being consumed.

Either way this reminds me of below. Don't judge the quality:



[SunTimes]

If You Have 7 Minutes Today. . .

...Watch this. It'll be worth it.

Meet The New Face of Hip Hop

(Bromance may not give you street cred but this sure does)

I felt fine completely ignoring this guy until I read his interview with Complex. A few choice excerpts:

"Complex: You also said, “I’m like the white Jay-Z.” Would you consider Heidi the white Beyoncé?
Spencer Pratt: A little bit more than the white Beyoncé. Beyoncé had to be built by a group like Destiny’s Child, but Heidi shines solo. I’ll actually give you an exclusive: I could guarantee you Speidi’s [Spencer and Heidi's] “Bonnie & Clyde” version is going to stunt on Jay and B’s version."

"Heidi shines solo" in what? Getting fake tits and that's it. I actually could care less about her because she never talks as much as this guy, which is a good quality. And if by "stunt on" he means "suck dick" then yes, it will definitely.

"Complex: Who’s rapping career would you use as a blueprint for yourself?
Spencer Pratt: I think I’m the future of hip-hop. You know, I feel bad for saying that. That’s unfortunate, but that’s a fact. You can’t compare my model of hip-hop with what I’m about to come out with versus anything in the game. You know I’ll take the Diddy route. I’m not a lyrical MC, I’m just like Diddy. Look what it did for him? He is still balling."

I'm glad he answered a question with an answer that didn't pertain. He's the future of hip-hop and I'm the future of male stripping. Good.

Plus Diddy is only know to be for this:

Chappelle's Show
Making the Band
comedycentral.com
Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs Black Comedy True Hollywood Story

Read the entire interview [Complex]

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the Day:

1. (310): I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
2. (609): ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
3. (214): I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...(1-214): Mike i'm at church right now...
4. (520): Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
5. (805): bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
6. (312): dude, your ex-bf is on match.com(847): details on that.(312): well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
7. (404): Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.(310): So you didn't like Bolt?
8. (484): I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue(484): I'm in love
9. (773): I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
10. (203): I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other(413): and it's going to stay that way

[TFLN]

U.S. Declares War on Costa Rica

Rod Blagojevich's wife Patti is going to be on NBC's "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here." She will be taking her husband's spot after a judge denied Rod's request to travel to be on the show.

Apparently this show has one requirement, that you're not actually a celebrity. Sanjaya, Spencer Pratt, Heidi Montag, and some other people that were once on the TV when you had nothing to watch are all appearing.

Patti is doing the show to clear her image:

"In the interview on NBC's "Today" this morning, Patti Blagojevich said her involvement will show that her profanity-laced comments in secret recordings by federal prosecutors don't reflect who she really is.

The show is "an opportunity for people to see what I'm really like ... that those characterizations weren't fair at all," Patti Blagojevich told "Today."

I wouldn't want to be labeled as someone that swears either. I wanna be known as a money hungry retard. Good choices.

In related news my Mother went to school with Patti and says she's a bitch. Breaking news, I know.

In even more related news, Sanjaya is still alive??

[Tribune]

American Idol is Over

This is how I celebrated:



Ya I know, that's my default celebration video. Don't fault me, it's my "Friday."

Dwight Howard-Hater of Clocks

Little known fact-Dwight Howard can not stand clocks.

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the Day:

1. (570): Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
2. (323): You got in a fight last night?(818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.(323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
3. (206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole(425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
4. (517): careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
5. (636): Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
6. (509): My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
7. (616): Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
8. (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
9. (972): so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.(214): so how much did i say i owed you?(972): $5 and a new fuck buddy.
10. (562): The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!(916): Awkward!(562): No he was cute and I said yes!

Michael Vick is Home

Someone's not happy:

You Bet Your Ass This Shirt Is Sweet

This shirt above, yes the Charlie from Always Sunny style shirt, is a hit on Amazon.com. The company that produces it has seen it's sales rise by over 2000% in its sales ranks. This phenomenon (it can only be described as that) is attributed to the comment board on Amazon. Here's a sampling of the comments:

• "I accidentally spilled a glass of Tuscan Whole Milk down the front of this shirt, and my soul was torn from my body and thrown into heaven by a jealous God."
• "I ordered next-day air (if only there was same day!), and, of course, a size smaller than usual to ensure the closeness of the wolves to my chest hair. When the package arrived, I tore it open, and I SWEAR angels sang. I think it was Freebird."
• "Every night, for the past 6 weeks, I have been visited by 3 wolf sprirts. And every night, they bestow upon me endless amounts of knowledge and offerings of imitation crab meat. They consider me their brothern, and I have found clarity and purpose in my life."
• "I have been wearing this shirt for about 15 weeks and I have not needed to wash it! You don't put this shirt on your torso you put it on your soul. The day I bought this shirt I lost 300 lbs! I got a new chevy, a new Trailer and my kids quit meth. I now know that the moon on this shirt is not a picture but the moon itself."

Amazing stuff.

[Tribune via Amazon]

Spend Some Time With Your Kids

"Hey Mom, I was thinking that we don't spend enough time together. You never took me to the park as a kid, you never read me books before bed, and you really never helped me cover up a murder. What's that? You've been waiting for me to ask you to help cover up a murder? You don't know how happy that makes me. Let's take a ride to the gas station and get a celebratory cigar, who knows we may run into an opportunity there. Thanks mom, I love you."

I imagine that's how the conversation went between a kid and his mom. Judge for yourself:

"After her son shot and killed a gang rival as she sat in the family van at a
gas station, a South Side mother moved quickly, authorities said.
She drove her son home, parked the van in a garage and told him to say nothing, law
enforcement sources said.
Karen Juarez, 49, then returned to the scene of the shooting in the 2000 block of West Garfield to ask police what happened, sources said."

That's love.

[Suntimes]

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (406): also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
2. (440): It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
3. (612): hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good(651): who is this?(612): jesse's little brother
4. (917): i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
5. (573): i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
6. (434): ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
7. (970): I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now

[TFLN]

Father Time: Fight Club

This story has been heard before by some of my friends so it's not really new but it is worth telling. A few months back I was relaxing at home with my dad having a beer on the couch. As he was drinking as well I figured he would be asleep soon as he normally does when he drinks. I was wrong.

We were watching Versus which always has hockey or some kind of MMA fighting on. This night it happened to be MMA, specifically WEC. Up to this point I have watched a decent amount of WEC but not with my dad, and not with beer. This is where I discovered my father's unrequited bromance for Urijah Faber. (Now don't get me wrong, the guy is a great fighter and seems like a genuinely good guy, but my dad praises him as if he's the second coming of Steven Segal*) My dad immediately launched into a 5-10 minute speech about how good he is, how sometimes he has braids in his hair and he normally doesn't like that because it's "gay", how he's the California kid, and I think I even heard him say he's a great kisser. Needless to say the new Jesus Segal wins the fight and my dad is pumped up. Then the unthinkable happens. . .

. . .actually it doesn't, my brother comes in no later than 5 minutes after he's supposed to. Dad's throwing F bombs like he's trying to lose cargo off a sinking ship all the while my brother is apologizing. All the mean while I'm realizing that 5 minutes late for my brother is early for anyone else so I am a little taken aback. My brother finally apologizes one last time and says he's going to bed. As he's walking up the stairs the exchange goes a little like this:

"Dad: What did you say?

Brother: Nothing.

Dad: Oh you wanna fight then?

Brother: No I never said that.

Dad: That's what I thought, pussy.

Brother: I'm going to bed.

Dad: Ha ya."

(I took out 50% of the convo, the swearing, in case you wanna read that to your kids one day)

So what did we learn today? Bromance, alcohol, family, and MMA do not mix, and I'm sure jean jackets don't either.

*My dad's worship for Segal will be a whole different post.

Never Bring A Knife To A Gunfight But....

...you bring one to a water balloon fight, and guns as well. That's what happened in Joliet Sunday night. Apparently teenagers were having a water balloon fight when it escalated into a street brawl where a 20 year old girl stabbed a 16 year old boy in the back and 2 men started firing shots.

Apparently they used the asshole ones, you know the ones that don't break at all and always sting like hell because you never knew you're 8 year old best friend had an arm like Roger Clemens. Ya those.

[Suntimes]

Eddie Murphy Used to Be Funny

I'm glad I can blog and watch youtube clips at work. I'm glad my coworkers also like doing the latter all day because it reminded me of these gems:

Glad Someone is Getting Some....

A 66 year old woman is doing better than me:

Streetfest Update: This Weekend

So when I originally checked there was not much going on for this weekend but here's what is on tap:

22nd-25th: Gaelic Park Irish Fest (Gaelic Park-Oak Forest)
I know this isn't quite "Chicago" but deal with it. According to Metromix there is not much going on other than below. Also beers here are $3 so it can make up for the hike out there. [Website]

23rd-24th: Randolph Street Market Festival
Ends at like 4pm or 5pm so it's not really a big festival (in my opinion). They do serve beer though so that is always a plus. [Website]