TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (970): I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
2. (858): I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn start.
3. (818): My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
4. (301): Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
5. (315): So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
6. (740): Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook. (740): Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight.
7. (415): I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die? (510): I hope so
8. (508): even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
9. (917): I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
10. (613): Sorry, I don't speak sober.
11. (843): His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.

Bubbles is Ok

And no not your favorite stripper. We are talking about Michael's former monkey. He was found in an animal sanctuary doing well and is now 26 years old. I don't know how old that is relative to human years but he looks old in the link below.

He will not be attending the funeral though because he is "too violent." I would pay to see a violent monkey at a funeral. It would definitely lighten the mood and what would be funnier than Bubbles flinging shit at Joe Jackson?

[DailyMail]

Shiiiiiiiiit

The Sears Tower opens its new skydeck viewing area today and I for one will not be in attendance. As cool as this looks I do not trust it. I'm a big guy and I was not meant to fly or levitate above the ground near the world's tallest building (fuck you Malysia). I am pretty sure god would have taken care of the whole flying thing if need be. Plus I do not want to be in there with that asshole who rides the elevator/ferris wheel and thinks it would be hilarious to jump up and down or rock around. No thank you. On my death bed I'll be perfectly happy not visiting this thing.

[Yahoo]

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (360): She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
2. (973): Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, it is usually in some way in control of California.
3. (519): i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis.
4. (850): JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
5. (415): if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
6. (503): So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
7. (406): we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
8. (916): He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
9. (313): sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test. (1-313): but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
10. (678): Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
11. (813): i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
12. (732): I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of luck strikes right now. Post-hiv.
13. (516): I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
14. (831): You should get sea herpes (813): I mean sea horses
15. (248): Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

In "People Not Named Michael Jackson" Death News

Farrah Fawcett died. I'm a little young to have watched her on TV but I remember other things about her, things that can not be pulled up on a company computer so google it yourself.

Ed McMahon died as well. As good as he was on Star Search, The Tonight Show, and other crap I can only remember him for this:

Billy Mays also died and as someone, somewhere on the internet put it, "I imagine his last words were LOUD."

This Is Just Amazing

Can't even comment, just watch it:

Oh Yeah, This Happened. . .

(Picture of health)

If you live under a rock you still heard about this. I really have nothing to say other than:

1. He will probably go down as the best entertainer of our lifetime.
2. He was beyond psychological repair long before that picture.
3. I only feel bad that we lost him as an entertainer because taking daily pain killer injections really isn't that smart.

So get over it people, with the help of our friend:

Sorrrrrrry

I know it's been awhile but I've had shit to do, like school and work and watch a shit ton of The Shield and Rescue Me. So deal with it.