TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (609): so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
2. (920): the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
3. (505): No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
4. (650): dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning (805): 1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
5. (208): I'm going to shit on something weird. . . I can't wait
6. (952): i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame...like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
7. (614): Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
8. (719): Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
9. (908): You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
10. (256): every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"... i think she's mad now
11. (267): My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
12. (479): I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
13. (815): I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eded and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
    

Bret Michaels Is An Idiot

Bret Michaels performed at the Tony Awards (I still don't know the connection) and ran into the set (to put it lightly).

He broke his nose and had some bleeding and stuff but oh well, he's fine and I don't feel bad for him. This is the Rock of Love, Rock Love Tour Bus thingy, and Poison guy. Oh well, deal with it.

He issued a statement about how upset he was with the Tony Awards.

"For the record never at any point during my Sunday morning rehearsal was I ever instructed that the piece was coming down and that I had very little time to get off the stage, otherwise believe me I would have stopped or at least ducked so as not to be knocked out at the Tonys. Trust me I never wanted any of this to happen. I was simply doing as I was told which was to exit the stage as Poison’s song "Nothin' but a Good Time" came to a close."

This may be god paying you back for throwing STD's around like party favors Brett.

The video is below and I find it amazing that his band and everyone else knew to get back behind that big prop but he didn't. Apparently drugs and booze do not enhance your listening abilities.

I have linked the People article so you can read his full statement.



[People]

Your Dog Likes Pot

A dog in Seattle ate some pot and got high. I don't know why but I find this hilarious. Video is below but some gems are:

• He became dizzy and disoriented
• His eyes were glassy
• He fell over when sitting down
• He became hungry and ate pudding and then decided to text his ex girlfriend*

*That's a lie

Madonna Gearing Up For World War III

Malawi has approved Madonna's bid to adopt a second child. You know what this means, the future war of 2030 between Angelina and Madonna is underway. Let's take a look at it:

Angelina Jolie-6 Kids

• Brad Pitt- The once domestic and tranquil Pitt was recruited by Jolie to train the children in the art of Fight Club and in reverse aging when need be.
• Maddox- This soon to be 8 year old is from Cambodia. Skilled in explosives, he is the elder and veteran of the crew.
• Zahara- At just 4 years old, this Ethiopian native is a master of foreign languages and disguises.
• Shiloh- The 3 year old is the first blood child of Pitt and Jolie. She is slowly becoming an expert in espionage and reconnaissance.
• Pax-Turns 6 in November and is becoming an expert in knives and the Brazilian art of Capoera.
• Knox & Vivienne- The twins are the latest addition to the clan and turn 1 next month. While they are believed to be humans they are in fact not. Undergoing experimental surgery over 2 years ago, Pitt and Jolie were able to clone skin tissue to disguise the first ever privately owned, human like Transformers.

Madonna-4 Kids

• Lourdes- The oldest of the Madonna brood at about 13 she is also the most skilled. A black belt in Krav Maga and Brazilian Jiu Jitsui she is deadly. She can also speak 7 languages and is an excellent marksman.
• Rocco- Around 10 years old the elder boy is the spy's spy. With his Hollywood parents and his British ancestry he is the modern day Bond.
• David- The Malawi born David is about 4 years old and is a quick learner. With his raw strength he excels at hand to hand combat and is also the tech expert of the group.
• Mercy- Madonna has just won the rights to 3 year old Mercy and could not be happier. Mercy is the world's youngest stunt woman ever. Equipped with these skills she also is a card shark, able to overturn a casino in a day, a resourceful skill to supply the family with their cash.

You hear it here first. This is the next world war and by the looks of it I'm sure that these families have only just started gearing up.

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (402): I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
2. (202): he's my edward cullen (770): I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
3. (619): he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
4. (773): I feel like a panda just shit raimbows on my mind
5. (850): So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
6. (478): i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
7. (281): the condom got lost in my hair
8. (216): my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing? (1-216): i'd get off the bar first.
9. (248): I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine this is how Ethopians feel about food.
10. (401): I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
11. (810): i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand. (1-810): nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
12. (901): I'm bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
13. (803): dude why did you let me call her?! (1-803): i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
14. (269): We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
15. (703): Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
    

And I'm Gonna Be A Model

Kendra Wilkinson (Girls Next Door) is pregnant. Not a surprise really as studies show it's easy to get pregnant with your clothes off constantly. Her husband Hank Baskett is a receiver for the Eagles and this was probably his best catch. Not because of her but because she will probably out earn him.

Her former costar on Girls Next Door, Holly Madison, says she's going to be a soccer mom. Riiiiight. Holly Madison dated Criss Angel. Enough said. Although I guess it's a step up from David Blaine.

[People]

How Do You Kill Women and Children?

. . .easy, don't lead 'em as much.

A woman jumped the White House fence yesterday. Not really a story but it reminded me of this clip (jump to 1:30 for the line, it's a good clip though):

Meet Mel Gibson's New Friend

Not only is Jeremiah Wright a reverend, he's also a big follower of the church of Mel Gibson.

" 'Them Jews aren't going to let him talk to me. I told my baby daughter, that he'll talk to me in five years when he's a lame duck, or in eight years when he's out of office,' Wright was quoted as saying in an article posted Tuesday."

Rev. Wright is a prick, plain and simple. Whatever God is up there is shaking his head asking how this guy became a "voice of god."

Oh well at least he's patriotic:

[Sun Times]

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (828): if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for a gold right now.
2. (44): What's everyones problem with my costume?! (1-44): It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
3. (206): I thought spray tan was a myth (1-206): ? (206): You know, something that only happens in Jersey
4. (502): Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job. (973): I'm moving there. Get me hired.
5. (508): Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
6. (403): Are you so shy because you have an std?
7. (850): It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
8. (917): Eric got herpes from Jo-ann (914): That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
9. (650): like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
10. (216): He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.

Just Like My Kitchen At Home

I actually like Hell's Kitchen. People go on a reality show and get treated like shit. Count me as a loyal watcher. Gordon Ramsay belittles and berates his chefs every episode without fail and this makes for interesting TV.

Seems this time he forgot he wasn't on his show though and instead an Australian News program. Oh well, watch for yourself. I'm pretty sure this is considered a war in Australia.



[CNN]

Helen Keller Could Figure This Out

American Idol runner up Adam Lambert gave an exclusive interview with Rolling Stone and the hot topic was if he is gay. . . .

That photo is a head shot and he might as well be saying he's going to make out with a man in 2 minutes. If you have seen clips of Idol or anywhere else you know he's gay. Good for him too. It doesn't matter either way or affect his singing (and I'll admit he can sing).

Rolling Stone's next mysteries to solve:

• Is the sky blue?
• Is the world flat?
• How are babies made?
• Is Santa Claus real
• Why do people still read Rolling Stone?

I Think This Should Be A Weekly Occurrence

The video below is a live promo for AE's new reality show that follows MC Hammer's life. I don't know how good this show is going to be or even want to guess as Hammer was recently doing Cash for Gold and Nationwide (Read: No more money) commercials. The only thing that gives me hope is the programs on AE that I like: Gene Simmons' Family Jewels, Intervention, and more.