TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (678): did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband(404): did it work?(678): nope


2. (617): i feel rough(617): just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.


3. (419): I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.

Congress Must Be Really Busy

Members of Congress are investigating the BCS. There's no BCS responsible for Swine Flu or the economic crisis, no the BCS in college football.

"In the Senate, Utah Republican Orrin Hatch has put the BCS on the agenda for the Judiciary's antitrust subcommittee this year, and Utah's attorney general, Mark Shurtleff, is investigating whether the BCS violates federal antitrust laws.
People in that state were furious that Utah was bypassed for the national championship despite going undefeated in the regular season. The title game pitted No. 1 Florida (12-1) against No. 2 Oklahoma (12-1); Florida won 24-14 and claimed the title."

I'm pretty sure if you look up priorities in the dictionary this exact scenario comes up.

Jesus. I heard that they're going to research this in Mexico strictly by the light that comes from burning $100 bills. Tough times.

At least it's not CLEVELAND!:





[SunTimes]

I Think They Have Bigger Problems

A wife had $800,000 in a secret bank account. The bank calls the house to ask questions, the husband answers and finds out about this account. The wife is now suing the bank for spilling her secret.

I think that this is ridiculous. Legally the bank should not have told so I understand that but I believe you and your husband have issues. . . .big issues.

Video below of the CNN anchor admitting legally it was wrong but getting gang attacked by women who think the wife did nothing wrong.

This Makes My Pants Tight

Get big:

TFLN Texts of The Day

New feature, Texts From Last Night Texts of the Day:

1. (816): I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.


2. (925): Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen? (1-925): Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through


3. (410): You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.

If you haven't been there go, now. For real.

Maverick Repulses Women

Kelly McGillis (Tom Cruise's love interest Charlie in Top Gun) is a lesbian. The only time I've ever heard my dad listen to "gay music" (as he refers to it) is during a movie with a hot woman on screen and this was one that we saw a few times. Granted my father loved the movie because, well what guy doesn't?

Anyways I'm digressing but ya, she's a lesbian. Good for her I guess. There's one girl I can cross off of my "Fantasy Women from the 80's/90's that I loved as a child and obviously could hook up with now" list. Whew.

[Daily Mail]

Goonies are Back

Harry Potter Exhibit-Why?

Most kids like museums. They're fun, you learn things, and you can get plastic molds made in those machines or turn $1.01 into just $0.01 that's stretched out. Anyways, the Museum of Science and Industry is opening a new Harry Potter exhibit on their front lawn.

I'm all about exhibits but it's a movie. Now a days you can watch bonus features, and believe me Harry Potter has them. I have to admit I've seen two or three of the movies and I can't say I hate them but they weren't amazing either.

To each his own, just know that if you spend $200 on a "wand replica" or $500 on a "chess set" you are an idiot.

Women Don't Read This

Women in Kenya are imposing (or proposing, I only skimmed) a week long sex ban for political reform. The women, in an effort to achieve political reform and have their voices heard, say that "Major decisions are made during pillow talk." My favorite quotes are actually pleas from desperate husbands:

" 'This will accomplish nothing other than embarrass us,' said Martin Kamau a resident of Nakuru, a major city northwest of the capital. 'We are being punished, and yet we are not the ones causing the problems.'
Kamau plans to plead his case with his wife. 'Seven days is just too much,' he said."

One man did say he can wait a year, I'm sure that's by choice.

[CNN]

VP-Stay The Fuck Home

Well not really. Biden said to stay off planes and public transportation at the moment to combat the spread of swine flu further. I'm sure the airlines and public transportation are thrilled. Here's the video:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

100th Post= Story About My Dad

100th post deserves some real comedy. Some of the best comedy is in true life, i.e. my father. To preface this story there's a few things you need to know about him:

1. While not having invented the original seven swear words, he sure loves to use them, plus some, while inventing his own.
2. Jeans. The man loves them. Jackets, shorts, and pants. Can't get enough of it.
3. He is never wrong, ever. It's like a bad Chuck Norris fact. I have proven the man wrong with factual evidence before and he has won the arguments by resorting to rule 1.
4. He does not watch sports more than maybe 10 times a year (and that's pushing it). This said he says he likes the Chicago teams but always doubts them. Furthermore he roots for the Sox just to piss me and my brother off. That said.....
5. Watching a game with my dad is like trying to take a hot girl home while your buddy constantly points out her flaws and every thing that can possibly go wrong with her, but he's "rooting for you."

These are just a few things about my father that make him unique and by NO means are these bad, he's a great man, he's just eccentric.

On to the story now. Last night we were both watching the Bulls game. He had come in to watch it completely at the beginning of the fourth quarter when the Bulls were up. As the fourth quarter dwindled down and the Bulls had a double digit lead my Dad looks at me and says, "They're gonna lose it." This is the equivalent of a curse. He's done this before in baseball, football, and basketball. The man knows barely anything about sports but makes statements that somehow always come true. I look at him and shake my head in disbelief. The man hates Chicago sports.

Fast forward to the end of regulation and he has this smug look on his face knowing he is about to be right. Skip through Paul Pierce hitting everything, Brad Miller almost crying, and the Bulls lose. I look over and he's smiling and laughing as if he was a kid caught in a lie.

The Bulls lost to ruin my night and I end it by hearing my father laughingly tell me, "Told ya so." FML

Rajon Rondo Just Doesn't Like Miller's Face

(Brad Miller is the Headless Horseman)

We can't fault Rondo for his blatant flagrant of Brad Miller last night (when the ball is about to roll off your outstretched fingertips your head is not close enough to constitute a slap as "going for the ball"). It was actually Miller's fault. Just watch the video below, I mean Rondo clearly suffers the same disease as Rob Riggle. (That or he was trying to get Miller his Halloween costume early)

Merry F'in Christmas

This is just amazing and I'm speechless.

Texts From Last Night

Chicago Athletes Aren't Too Hot With Sharp Items

Lance Briggs has shown us that not only can Chicago Bulls players cut themselves. First we had Jordan with the cigar cutter, Rose slicing apples while napping, and now Lance Briggs decided to shave his face blindfolded, and cut his hand. Apparently he was using a straight edge razor, maybe trying to act out Sweeney Todd (ya I liked a musical movie, so what).

My question is if Tiger and Roger Federererererer can use the Fusion Mach Turbo Booster razor why can't he? (I know Jeter uses it too but he can suck it)

I'm Kinda Happy My Dad and I Aren't Close

Wow:

Ivan Drago's Picture Will Hurt You

Some attempted robbers broke into a house in Spain, tied up a woman, and started ransacking the place when they stop dead in their tracks. They spotted a photo of Dolph Lundgren and his family, which I hope was this one:

Apparently the thieves immediately left and got the fuck out. This probably doesn't help either.

[Gawker]

Swine Flu

I refuse to crack jokes about this because I believe karma will kick me in the crotch (metaphorically) and I will somehow contract this shit.

[FACTS]

Ricky Bobby

Nascar blah blah blah Crash blah blah blah Ricky Bobby.

(watch from the 1:30 mark on)