TFLN Texts of The Day

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TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (267): i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
2. (865): If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
3. (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
4. (706): Did we have sex last night?(1-706): I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
5. (203): I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
6. (604): I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
7. (325): That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
8. (310): you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
9. (865): Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
10. (403): and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (403): you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
2. (719): then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
3. (918): The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
4. (815): Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
5. (323): Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?(1-323): We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?(323): Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
6. (416): I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.(1-416): u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
7. (732): my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
8. (858): I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
9. (909): why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
10. (978): my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night

[TFLN]

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (970): I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
2. (858): I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn start.
3. (818): My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
4. (301): Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
5. (315): So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
6. (740): Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook. (740): Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight.
7. (415): I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die? (510): I hope so
8. (508): even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
9. (917): I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
10. (613): Sorry, I don't speak sober.
11. (843): His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (360): She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
2. (973): Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, it is usually in some way in control of California.
3. (519): i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis.
4. (850): JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
5. (415): if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
6. (503): So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
7. (406): we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
8. (916): He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
9. (313): sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test. (1-313): but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
10. (678): Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
11. (813): i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
12. (732): I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of luck strikes right now. Post-hiv.
13. (516): I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
14. (831): You should get sea herpes (813): I mean sea horses
15. (248): Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (609): so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
2. (920): the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
3. (505): No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
4. (650): dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning (805): 1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
5. (208): I'm going to shit on something weird. . . I can't wait
6. (952): i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame...like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
7. (614): Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
8. (719): Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
9. (908): You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
10. (256): every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"... i think she's mad now
11. (267): My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
12. (479): I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
13. (815): I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eded and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
    

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (402): I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
2. (202): he's my edward cullen (770): I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
3. (619): he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
4. (773): I feel like a panda just shit raimbows on my mind
5. (850): So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
6. (478): i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
7. (281): the condom got lost in my hair
8. (216): my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing? (1-216): i'd get off the bar first.
9. (248): I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine this is how Ethopians feel about food.
10. (401): I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
11. (810): i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand. (1-810): nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
12. (901): I'm bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
13. (803): dude why did you let me call her?! (1-803): i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
14. (269): We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
15. (703): Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
    

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (828): if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for a gold right now.
2. (44): What's everyones problem with my costume?! (1-44): It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
3. (206): I thought spray tan was a myth (1-206): ? (206): You know, something that only happens in Jersey
4. (502): Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job. (973): I'm moving there. Get me hired.
5. (508): Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
6. (403): Are you so shy because you have an std?
7. (850): It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
8. (917): Eric got herpes from Jo-ann (914): That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
9. (650): like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
10. (216): He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the Day is now blocked at my job (probably a good thing) so we'll see how many I put up a day as I don't want to type that much since iPhone's can't copy and paste:

1. (850) Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
2. (860) Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
3. (850) TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas. (407) i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
4. (304) I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
5. (443) my mom's boyfriend is over for the first time. he's already telling me and the little sister how he's so comfortable around us that he'd easily change into his bathing suit in the middle of the kitchen. i nonchalantly told his french ass that we don't roll like that in america, carefully pronouncing "a-mer-i-ca" so he could understand.
6. (516) what, no i told him that it wasnt necessary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
7. (616) Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
8. (814) listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
9. (304) My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary" ...greatest adj ever applied to my dick.
10. (845) don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter.

[TFLN]

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of The Day:

1. (212): I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
2. (816): FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
3. (330): I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
4. (416): i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
5. (805): before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
6. (404): I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high(954): Yeah, I don't like babies at all
7. (410): it was a mass text i'm sorry(603): do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
8. (225): I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.(504): Who won?(225): All of them.
9. (914): I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
10. (440): so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"

[TFLN]

TFLN Texts of The Day

So if you can't tell I'm feeling a little lazy today and I actually have work to do. Here's some extra texts to start the(or my) week off:

1. (303): erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
2. (630): just tell him i said nine months
3. (732): I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
4. (213): I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
5. (443): There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
6. (336): walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
7. (508): dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move (617): that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
8. (325): wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
9. (616): His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"(616): He did it well too
10. (972): I'm scared(337): There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.(972): That's what I'm afraid of
11. (312): Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
12. (508): just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
13. (908): wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
14. (305): I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
15. (520): I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
16. (631): I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
17. (770): I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
18. (514): just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
19. (248): i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
20. (813): I'm fucking your sister right now.(1-813): You motherfucker(813): She's next.

[TFLN]

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the Day:

1. (310): I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
2. (609): ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
3. (214): I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...(1-214): Mike i'm at church right now...
4. (520): Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
5. (805): bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
6. (312): dude, your ex-bf is on match.com(847): details on that.(312): well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
7. (404): Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.(310): So you didn't like Bolt?
8. (484): I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue(484): I'm in love
9. (773): I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
10. (203): I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other(413): and it's going to stay that way

[TFLN]

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the Day:

1. (570): Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
2. (323): You got in a fight last night?(818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.(323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
3. (206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole(425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
4. (517): careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
5. (636): Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
6. (509): My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
7. (616): Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
8. (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
9. (972): so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.(214): so how much did i say i owed you?(972): $5 and a new fuck buddy.
10. (562): The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!(916): Awkward!(562): No he was cute and I said yes!

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (406): also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
2. (440): It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
3. (612): hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good(651): who is this?(612): jesse's little brother
4. (917): i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
5. (573): i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
6. (434): ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
7. (970): I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now

[TFLN]

TFLN Texts of The Day

It's Monday so here's some more:

1. (469): Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
2. (404): i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
3. (631): Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
4. (607): I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
5. (972): like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys(214): I hope to god you are high
6. (612): we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
7. (626): I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
8. (410): the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
9. (936): Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
10. (918): The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
11. (703): i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
12. (646): I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
13. (914): this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
14. (831): my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
15. (913): omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the Day:

1. (406): my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
2. (803): My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
3. (410): He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
4. (203): How did you manage that?(860): Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis(203): lol... jersey girls rock
5. (636): dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you(1-636): when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
6. (917): this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
7. (907): I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
8. (312): She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
9. (508): I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
10. (516): It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.

[TFLN]

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (216): when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account(1-216): damn...impressive bar tab(216): no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
2. (303): My hand turned me down
3. (330): what are you wearing?(703): Just my guilt
4. (903): I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
5. (510): my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
6. (248): I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
7. (443): they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
8. (207): using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
9. (732): ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
10. (540): that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen(703): i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the Day:

1. (402): I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
2. (323): Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
3. (619): just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
4. (812): Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
5. (703): Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor

TFLN Texts of The Day

I'll add a few more today since, well, I just want to:

1. (714): First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
2. (519): dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
3. (614): Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
4. (308): I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
5. (818): Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...(714): Didn't you just get a DUI last week?(818): Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
6. (405): Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
7. (207): I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
8. (631): If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
9. (301): Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?(443): We using my standards or yours?
10. (646): If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.

[TFLN.com]

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (509): I want to make a zoo with you.
2. (815): I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
3. (512): I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
4. (919): I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
5. (312): Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.