TFLN Texts of The Day

So if you can't tell I'm feeling a little lazy today and I actually have work to do. Here's some extra texts to start the(or my) week off:

1. (303): erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
2. (630): just tell him i said nine months
3. (732): I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
4. (213): I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
5. (443): There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
6. (336): walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
7. (508): dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move (617): that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
8. (325): wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
9. (616): His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"(616): He did it well too
10. (972): I'm scared(337): There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.(972): That's what I'm afraid of
11. (312): Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
12. (508): just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
13. (908): wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
14. (305): I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
15. (520): I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
16. (631): I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
17. (770): I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
18. (514): just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
19. (248): i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
20. (813): I'm fucking your sister right now.(1-813): You motherfucker(813): She's next.

[TFLN]