TFLN Texts of The Day

It's Monday so here's some more:

1. (469): Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
2. (404): i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
3. (631): Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
4. (607): I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
5. (972): like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys(214): I hope to god you are high
6. (612): we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
7. (626): I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
8. (410): the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
9. (936): Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
10. (918): The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
11. (703): i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
12. (646): I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
13. (914): this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
14. (831): my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
15. (913): omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand