TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (402): I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
2. (202): he's my edward cullen (770): I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
3. (619): he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
4. (773): I feel like a panda just shit raimbows on my mind
5. (850): So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
6. (478): i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
7. (281): the condom got lost in my hair
8. (216): my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing? (1-216): i'd get off the bar first.
9. (248): I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine this is how Ethopians feel about food.
10. (401): I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
11. (810): i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand. (1-810): nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
12. (901): I'm bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
13. (803): dude why did you let me call her?! (1-803): i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
14. (269): We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
15. (703): Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick