TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (609): so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
2. (920): the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
3. (505): No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
4. (650): dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning (805): 1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
5. (208): I'm going to shit on something weird. . . I can't wait
6. (952): i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame...like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
7. (614): Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
8. (719): Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
9. (908): You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
10. (256): every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"... i think she's mad now
11. (267): My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
12. (479): I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
13. (815): I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eded and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low