TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (970): I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
2. (858): I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn start.
3. (818): My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
4. (301): Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
5. (315): So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
6. (740): Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook. (740): Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight.
7. (415): I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die? (510): I hope so
8. (508): even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
9. (917): I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
10. (613): Sorry, I don't speak sober.
11. (843): His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.