Meet The New Face of Hip Hop

(Bromance may not give you street cred but this sure does)

I felt fine completely ignoring this guy until I read his interview with Complex. A few choice excerpts:

"Complex: You also said, “I’m like the white Jay-Z.” Would you consider Heidi the white Beyoncé?
Spencer Pratt: A little bit more than the white Beyoncé. Beyoncé had to be built by a group like Destiny’s Child, but Heidi shines solo. I’ll actually give you an exclusive: I could guarantee you Speidi’s [Spencer and Heidi's] “Bonnie & Clyde” version is going to stunt on Jay and B’s version."

"Heidi shines solo" in what? Getting fake tits and that's it. I actually could care less about her because she never talks as much as this guy, which is a good quality. And if by "stunt on" he means "suck dick" then yes, it will definitely.

"Complex: Who’s rapping career would you use as a blueprint for yourself?
Spencer Pratt: I think I’m the future of hip-hop. You know, I feel bad for saying that. That’s unfortunate, but that’s a fact. You can’t compare my model of hip-hop with what I’m about to come out with versus anything in the game. You know I’ll take the Diddy route. I’m not a lyrical MC, I’m just like Diddy. Look what it did for him? He is still balling."

I'm glad he answered a question with an answer that didn't pertain. He's the future of hip-hop and I'm the future of male stripping. Good.

Plus Diddy is only know to be for this:

Chappelle's Show
Making the Band
comedycentral.com
Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs Black Comedy True Hollywood Story

Read the entire interview [Complex]

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the Day:

1. (310): I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
2. (609): ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
3. (214): I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...(1-214): Mike i'm at church right now...
4. (520): Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
5. (805): bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
6. (312): dude, your ex-bf is on match.com(847): details on that.(312): well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
7. (404): Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.(310): So you didn't like Bolt?
8. (484): I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue(484): I'm in love
9. (773): I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
10. (203): I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other(413): and it's going to stay that way

[TFLN]

U.S. Declares War on Costa Rica

Rod Blagojevich's wife Patti is going to be on NBC's "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here." She will be taking her husband's spot after a judge denied Rod's request to travel to be on the show.

Apparently this show has one requirement, that you're not actually a celebrity. Sanjaya, Spencer Pratt, Heidi Montag, and some other people that were once on the TV when you had nothing to watch are all appearing.

Patti is doing the show to clear her image:

"In the interview on NBC's "Today" this morning, Patti Blagojevich said her involvement will show that her profanity-laced comments in secret recordings by federal prosecutors don't reflect who she really is.

The show is "an opportunity for people to see what I'm really like ... that those characterizations weren't fair at all," Patti Blagojevich told "Today."

I wouldn't want to be labeled as someone that swears either. I wanna be known as a money hungry retard. Good choices.

In related news my Mother went to school with Patti and says she's a bitch. Breaking news, I know.

In even more related news, Sanjaya is still alive??

[Tribune]

American Idol is Over

This is how I celebrated:



Ya I know, that's my default celebration video. Don't fault me, it's my "Friday."

Dwight Howard-Hater of Clocks

Little known fact-Dwight Howard can not stand clocks.

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the Day:

1. (570): Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
2. (323): You got in a fight last night?(818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.(323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
3. (206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole(425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
4. (517): careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
5. (636): Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
6. (509): My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
7. (616): Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
8. (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
9. (972): so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.(214): so how much did i say i owed you?(972): $5 and a new fuck buddy.
10. (562): The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!(916): Awkward!(562): No he was cute and I said yes!

Michael Vick is Home

Someone's not happy:

You Bet Your Ass This Shirt Is Sweet

This shirt above, yes the Charlie from Always Sunny style shirt, is a hit on Amazon.com. The company that produces it has seen it's sales rise by over 2000% in its sales ranks. This phenomenon (it can only be described as that) is attributed to the comment board on Amazon. Here's a sampling of the comments:

• "I accidentally spilled a glass of Tuscan Whole Milk down the front of this shirt, and my soul was torn from my body and thrown into heaven by a jealous God."
• "I ordered next-day air (if only there was same day!), and, of course, a size smaller than usual to ensure the closeness of the wolves to my chest hair. When the package arrived, I tore it open, and I SWEAR angels sang. I think it was Freebird."
• "Every night, for the past 6 weeks, I have been visited by 3 wolf sprirts. And every night, they bestow upon me endless amounts of knowledge and offerings of imitation crab meat. They consider me their brothern, and I have found clarity and purpose in my life."
• "I have been wearing this shirt for about 15 weeks and I have not needed to wash it! You don't put this shirt on your torso you put it on your soul. The day I bought this shirt I lost 300 lbs! I got a new chevy, a new Trailer and my kids quit meth. I now know that the moon on this shirt is not a picture but the moon itself."

Amazing stuff.

[Tribune via Amazon]

Spend Some Time With Your Kids

"Hey Mom, I was thinking that we don't spend enough time together. You never took me to the park as a kid, you never read me books before bed, and you really never helped me cover up a murder. What's that? You've been waiting for me to ask you to help cover up a murder? You don't know how happy that makes me. Let's take a ride to the gas station and get a celebratory cigar, who knows we may run into an opportunity there. Thanks mom, I love you."

I imagine that's how the conversation went between a kid and his mom. Judge for yourself:

"After her son shot and killed a gang rival as she sat in the family van at a
gas station, a South Side mother moved quickly, authorities said.
She drove her son home, parked the van in a garage and told him to say nothing, law
enforcement sources said.
Karen Juarez, 49, then returned to the scene of the shooting in the 2000 block of West Garfield to ask police what happened, sources said."

That's love.

[Suntimes]

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (406): also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
2. (440): It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
3. (612): hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good(651): who is this?(612): jesse's little brother
4. (917): i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
5. (573): i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
6. (434): ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
7. (970): I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now

[TFLN]

Father Time: Fight Club

This story has been heard before by some of my friends so it's not really new but it is worth telling. A few months back I was relaxing at home with my dad having a beer on the couch. As he was drinking as well I figured he would be asleep soon as he normally does when he drinks. I was wrong.

We were watching Versus which always has hockey or some kind of MMA fighting on. This night it happened to be MMA, specifically WEC. Up to this point I have watched a decent amount of WEC but not with my dad, and not with beer. This is where I discovered my father's unrequited bromance for Urijah Faber. (Now don't get me wrong, the guy is a great fighter and seems like a genuinely good guy, but my dad praises him as if he's the second coming of Steven Segal*) My dad immediately launched into a 5-10 minute speech about how good he is, how sometimes he has braids in his hair and he normally doesn't like that because it's "gay", how he's the California kid, and I think I even heard him say he's a great kisser. Needless to say the new Jesus Segal wins the fight and my dad is pumped up. Then the unthinkable happens. . .

. . .actually it doesn't, my brother comes in no later than 5 minutes after he's supposed to. Dad's throwing F bombs like he's trying to lose cargo off a sinking ship all the while my brother is apologizing. All the mean while I'm realizing that 5 minutes late for my brother is early for anyone else so I am a little taken aback. My brother finally apologizes one last time and says he's going to bed. As he's walking up the stairs the exchange goes a little like this:

"Dad: What did you say?

Brother: Nothing.

Dad: Oh you wanna fight then?

Brother: No I never said that.

Dad: That's what I thought, pussy.

Brother: I'm going to bed.

Dad: Ha ya."

(I took out 50% of the convo, the swearing, in case you wanna read that to your kids one day)

So what did we learn today? Bromance, alcohol, family, and MMA do not mix, and I'm sure jean jackets don't either.

*My dad's worship for Segal will be a whole different post.

Never Bring A Knife To A Gunfight But....

...you bring one to a water balloon fight, and guns as well. That's what happened in Joliet Sunday night. Apparently teenagers were having a water balloon fight when it escalated into a street brawl where a 20 year old girl stabbed a 16 year old boy in the back and 2 men started firing shots.

Apparently they used the asshole ones, you know the ones that don't break at all and always sting like hell because you never knew you're 8 year old best friend had an arm like Roger Clemens. Ya those.

[Suntimes]

Eddie Murphy Used to Be Funny

I'm glad I can blog and watch youtube clips at work. I'm glad my coworkers also like doing the latter all day because it reminded me of these gems:

Glad Someone is Getting Some....

A 66 year old woman is doing better than me:

Streetfest Update: This Weekend

So when I originally checked there was not much going on for this weekend but here's what is on tap:

22nd-25th: Gaelic Park Irish Fest (Gaelic Park-Oak Forest)
I know this isn't quite "Chicago" but deal with it. According to Metromix there is not much going on other than below. Also beers here are $3 so it can make up for the hike out there. [Website]

23rd-24th: Randolph Street Market Festival
Ends at like 4pm or 5pm so it's not really a big festival (in my opinion). They do serve beer though so that is always a plus. [Website]

Ghetto Names

This was sent to me by a coworker, actually 2 of them. Here ya go:

TFLN Texts of The Day

It's Monday so here's some more:

1. (469): Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
2. (404): i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
3. (631): Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
4. (607): I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
5. (972): like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys(214): I hope to god you are high
6. (612): we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
7. (626): I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
8. (410): the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
9. (936): Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
10. (918): The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
11. (703): i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
12. (646): I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
13. (914): this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
14. (831): my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
15. (913): omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand

Street Fest Review # 1

Mayfest was this weekend (Ashland and Barry) and I made it out Saturday. It was a good time and "highlights" (if you call them that) are below:

1. Apparently hot women flock to street fests.


2. My ratio of beers had to hot women talked to is about 10:1.


3. I'm pretty sure this happened in one of the port o pottys.


4. You can not do LeBomb shots at Pony as they have no sugar or flour or baby powder.


5. Girls do not like it when you laugh at their age. Especially when they are over 10 years older than you.


6. What's better than drinking beer outside? Sneaking in beer so it's free


7. Lastly: You can have blood all over your hand the next morning but have no apparent wounds.

Also bars do not have this song.....yet:

Chuck Renewed

I know this doesn't apply to a lot, or maybe any of you but NBC's Chuck got renewed for a third season. I'm a huge fan of NBC's lineup from Chuck to Friday Night Lights and their entire Thursday night line up. Plus Conan is coming back soon so that's a plus.

Here's a reason to watch as well:

[E! Online]