TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the Day:

1. (406): my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
2. (803): My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
3. (410): He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
4. (203): How did you manage that?(860): Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis(203): lol... jersey girls rock
5. (636): dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you(1-636): when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
6. (917): this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
7. (907): I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
8. (312): She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
9. (508): I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
10. (516): It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.

[TFLN]

Can Charles Adopt Me?

Charles Barkley recently said that the only thing women can beat him at is "cooking and cleaning." So one of the TNT camera women decided to challenge him to a push up contest.

I honestly wish I could live with this man 24/7. No homo. To have a job where you can do whatever you want and say whatever you want is amazing. Let's not forget this is the same guy that got pulled over for a DUI and told the truth, which happened to be that he was speeding to get a blow job.

Anyways he lost and the video is below:

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (216): when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account(1-216): damn...impressive bar tab(216): no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
2. (303): My hand turned me down
3. (330): what are you wearing?(703): Just my guilt
4. (903): I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
5. (510): my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
6. (248): I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
7. (443): they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
8. (207): using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
9. (732): ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
10. (540): that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen(703): i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid

Dating, or Something Like It

Cnn.com has a "relationship" with thefrisky.com to provide dating advice. Today they ran an article interpreting 8 Dating One Liners. My take and there literal take below:

• I Don't Want to Ruin Our Friendship

Frisky: Translated: The thought of kissing you fills me with a mix of nausea, terror, revulsion and fear. Please don't try again. No, really.

Bet You Won't: I agree with them pretty much on this except it can happen where two people are part of a large group and really don't want to mess up the dynamic. I guess if you really wanted the person it'd be worth it though.

• I love you, but I'm not in love with you.

Frisky: Translated: Straight, gay, man, woman, it doesn't matter: this is universal code for "I am cheating on you."

Bet You Won't: I've never been on the giving or receiving end of that line but I believe their take 60% of the time, works all the time.

• I'm friends with all my exes.

Frisky: Translated: I need the ego boost that can only come from surrounding myself with people I've seen naked.

Bet You Won't: While funny, and maybe true occasionally, I call bullshit. Some people are just nice (read:keeping their options open).

• I hate all my exes.

Frisky: Translated: The court-mandated anger management course I was forced to take didn't work and I will probably scare the hell out of you at some point.

Bet You Won't: Ya this one's dead on.....sorry.

• All of my exes were psychos.

Frisky: Translated: You will nod sympathetically the first five times I tell you this, but you'll soon discover that I have a knack for driving people crazy.

Bet You Won't: This one is hit or miss. Most likely they're right BUT just as girls "like bad boys" some guys have a penchant for finding girls you're afraid to sleep next to for fear of being stabbed.

• Are you really going to wear that?

Frisky: Translated: What some might wrongly label passive-aggressive, I call being tactful. You can look forward to raised eyebrows, indecipherable muttered judgments, and gasps of disbelief, shock or horror, but on the upside, I will never ever insult you to your face.

Bet You Won't: You date a guy/girl because you like them and respect their opinions. This translation was a little dramatic. Deal with it.

• I'm so nice; I'm almost too nice.

Frisky: Translated: I will never slap you, cheat on you, or steal money out of your wallet, and I will take great pleasure in reminding you of this whenever you get uppity.

Bet You Won't: READ AS: I am a cocky: douche, bitch, asshole, or (fill in your own) ____________.

• My mom and I are besties!

Frisky: Translated: If you're the uptight type, holiday dinners with my family might be a little uncomfortable because I tell her everything about our sex life.

Bet You Won't: No one talks like that so stop dating 9 year olds.

[CNN]

Someone's About To Cash In......Maybe

Michael Jordan is reportedly expecting a baby with his new girlfriend Yvette Prieto. I imagine her reaction was something like this:

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the Day:

1. (402): I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
2. (323): Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
3. (619): just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
4. (812): Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
5. (703): Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor

Father Time

The jean jacket junkie is on vacation for a month starting today. I expect this portion of the blog to increase drastically and hatefully. You've been warned.

F These People

People that purposely take fertility drugs to have a million kids at once piss me off. Octomom is a whole different rant that I don't wanna get into right now. The show Jon & Kate plus 8 is the topic at hand though. These two geniuses decided they would pop out an entire basketball team at once just for fun and now they're having marital problems.

I don't feel bad at all for either of them (although she is pretty hot). They give birth to a small army on purpose and then complain how hard it is and end up with a reality show on top of it. I would almost say they're smart up until this all happens. Who's gonna wanna date either of them now? Nobody. I can't imagine any man or woman dying to come over when either has custody for the weekend. That would be soooo much fun. The only idiot I can see jumping at the chance is this genius.

Either way I'm sure one of the reasons he cheated (first) was something along the lines of this (minus the dog):

Mess at Lohan's House is Daily Ski Trip

Police reportedly got a call of a burglar alarm at Lindsay Lohan's house and at first look they thought it was an actual burglary. Apparently it's the normal condition of the house though. I imagine it looked something like this video below if you replace Lebron's face with hers and turn the sound down.



In other news this is the best acting Kenan Thompson has ever done.

[People]

Taco Bell Gets Free Advertising

A drug dealer in Indiana (don't act too surprised now) led police on a chase to Taco Bell. The man was wanted on other charges and after police spotted him he led them on a chase to a Decatur Taco Bell.

"Fort Wayne police Sgt. Mark Walters says 36-year-old Jermaine Askia Cooper told officers he 'knew he was going to jail for a while' and wanted to get one last burrito. Cooper was held without bail on four counts of dealing cocaine and other charges. And he never got the burrito he craved."

I mean Taco Bell is alright but couldn't you find a better place to eat before jail? Or maybe he was filling out an application ahead of time.

[Tribune]

TFLN Texts of The Day

I'll add a few more today since, well, I just want to:

1. (714): First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
2. (519): dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
3. (614): Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
4. (308): I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
5. (818): Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...(714): Didn't you just get a DUI last week?(818): Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
6. (405): Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
7. (207): I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
8. (631): If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
9. (301): Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?(443): We using my standards or yours?
10. (646): If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.

[TFLN.com]

Inactivity

I apologize for the inactivity, I had things to do. Accept this gift: