Go Here and Donate-Seriously

Just Wait to You Smell My D*ck

Police in Port St. Lucie (Ed.-No clue where that is) have issued a warrant on a 25 year old man. The man came home and as he was using the restroom his 37 year old wife of 3 years asked him to "display his penis so that she can smell it." Apparently asking him if he was cheating was too subtle so smelling his penis was a more blunt approach. The man who is not into this kinky foreplay shit then proceeded to punch her in the mouth as she went to sniff and then kicked her when she was on the floor. True love did prevail as the woman became uncooperative with police when they informed her of the warrant that would be issued.

This seems like a little Joey Grecco action:

If you've never seen Cheaters you are deprived, or probably a good person.

And here you go as well:


[TCPalm]

Snow

Hoffman Estates is derived from a Latin phrase that is loosely translated to: We don't believe in plowing or salting our streets. True story.

In totally related news:

The King Doesn't Believe in F*ckin Obesity

So me and my girlfriend were talking the other day and here was our conversation:

GF: You know, your cologne is ok and all but I just need something more that arouses my senses, something that defines a man.
Me: Really, well what could I get that would help? Maybe like Sex Panther, maybe sushi, or even crayons?
GF: No. I need you to smell like a Whopper.

Ok so that conversation never happened but apparently someone high up at Burger King did have it, or they smoked a lot before going to work.

Either way it does give me a chance to watch a great commercial again.


[Telegraph]

Honey, Let's Break Out a Nice Bottle of Red While I Beat You. . .

A couple from Japan were on a United airlines flight to California when the husband decided it was time to get fucked up, and then fuck shit up. The man drank wine throughout the duration of his flight and when they landed and went through U.S. Customs he decided to use his wife as a punching bag, six times. The couple, who are still together, have decided to sue United for their legal fees and of course"emotional distress."

I don't know how much emotional stress United caused when you hit your wife not once, but six times. I think there may have been problems before the wine was introduced. As wrong as it is at all, six times is no accident, it's a fucking final round knockout attempt.

On the other hand this video (which has nothing to do with the story) is, well, watch:


[Tribune]

Drew Peterson Engaged. . .

Drew Peterson is engaged to a 23-year old victim woman from Bolingbrook. If you are a complete shut-in and have not been following the news over the last, well ever, Peterson's 3rd wife was found drowned in a bath tub that was ruled a homicide and his 4th wife has been missing for about a year. Drew was upset and according to the paper this was his response this morning:

"A sleepy Peterson on Wednesday morning seemed perturbed that news of his engagement had leaked.
'I can't believe this is happening," he said. "How the f--- did this get out?' "

I can not even begin to think what kind of woman would marry this guy but this might be the answer:



[Chicago Sun-Times]

Dirty Dancing is No Prison Thriller

So I finally watched Dirty Dancing after it's been out for a million years and I figured I might as well. The movie was ok. I kept expecting Johnny to reveal that is real name was Dalton and he was there to be a cooler at the country club. Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse is as good as it gets with Next of Kin a close second. Just think how much better it would have been if someone got their throat ripped out in the end. Plus I can't stand movies where everyone breaks into the most amazing choreographed dance routine at the end.

On the other hand prison choreography is amazing.

Thriller

Don't get excited either that is a man.

Soulja Boy and MC Hammer


These are all inmates and this is a form of rehabilitation they use. They have a bunch of other ones on youtube that are pretty good like Low (Apple Bottom jeans), I Need A Hero, and more.

President Bush Hates Skechers as Much as the Next Person

Ok so the title is 100% false but I thought it would be funny. Since Dubya really is just doing whatever he wants I think catching the shoes and firing back or using his own shoes would have been pretty good. His more natural reaction was probably to crap in his hand and throw it at someone though.

Back in Action

So I haven't updated in awhile. I'm fixing that.

Jack Bauer < Junkyard Cat

Simply because we have to wait almost two F'n months for the rest of the season. Plus 24: Redemption was like Blood Diamond minus DiCaprio, minus Connelly, minus the body count and minus anyone at all screaming "DIAAAAAAAAAA!" If Jack Bauer would have screamed that at the end of the episode I wouldn't bitch.

For now we'll have to deal with this agent Bauer:



One more for good measure:

Fuck These Cuffs

Apparently the Chicago Police are now buying their handcuffs at Toys R Us, that or they're arresting drug addict magicians.

"A suspect who was in police custody reportedly picked the lock on his handcuffs and escaped a West Side police station Monday afternoon. . . About 3:45 p.m., a 34-year-old man who was in custody for drug charges was being processed by police in an interview room in the Harrison District police station, on the 3100 block of West Harrison Street, according to police."

Hopefully it was this douche:

[Sun Times]

Unfortunately It Wasn't The Last Samurai

A guard at the Scientology Center in Hollywood killed a "Samurai swordsman" outside the facility.

"Surveillance tape showed the man arriving at the center’s parking lot in a red convertible, then approaching the guards with a sword in each hand, Hara said."

Not much to this story other than it reminded me of The Last Samurai which reminded me of one of my favorite Paul Mooney clips.
{Couldn't embed video because the internet gods don't like me}

Paul Mooney On The Movies from Chappelle Show

[Chicago Sun Times]

Cubs are Still Gonna Suck

I think it's safe to say that Mark Cuban won't be buying the Cubs anymore, unless Sam Zell prefers buyers with pending law suits.

"Federal regulators have accused billionaire Dallas Mavericks owner
Mark Cuban of insider trading for allegedly using confidential information on a
stock sale to avoid more than $750,000 in losses."

If he lies to federal investigators ala Martha Stewart he may go from courtside to backside. . .mature I know.



[ESPN.com]

Fun With Fred: Recession

Fun with Fred is gonna be a monthly, weekly, or daily post with experiences with my father Fred. Those of you who know him know that fun is being used very loosely, or pretty much inappropriately.

I'm awoken on a Saturday morning at about 10:30am (after getting in about 6 hours earlier) by my father. He feels it is necessary to tell me about the recession.

Fred: "Let me ask you this, do you watch the news or read the papers?"

Me: "All the time, why?"

Fred: "Well apparently you don't pay attention to often because we're going through what we call a recession right now. Not a depression or a great depression but a recession. My grandparents went through the great depression. Do you know what that is? Do you wanna stand in line to get a brick of cheese?"

Me: "What? Yes I know what that is, why? What are you trying to get at?"

Fred: "When you go out every night (which in reality is twice a week) all you do is spend money and that won't help you. You have to have at least 3 months pay saved up just in case. You gotta start saving"

Me: "I know, I know. Thanks for the advice."

Fred: (While reading the sales papers) "Aww this guy's got a motorcycle for sale, I should buy it."

Me: "You're right"

News Rundown

A few links from this morning's news:

• Pirates of The Carribean Dubai. [Sun Times]
• Japan in Recession means end of Japanamation (I hope) [Sun Times]
• Obama meets with John McCain in Chicago-presumably to recount to Barack how Chicago looked before the fire [CNN]
• Extreme Home Makeover: Space Shuttle Edition [CNN]

Now You Can Order While Watching The Biggest Loser

So TiVo and Domino's have teamed up to make you lazier and fatter:

"Weisberg said TV watchers will see an ad for Domino's and will be able to click ''I want it'' from their TV remote. In about 30 minutes, the pizza will be at the door, he said."

This will work out well if they team up with a furniture company, motorized wheelchair maker, and a toilet maker and develop the first motorized recliner toilet.

It'll also work out well if they translate this video:


[Sun Times]

Still Not a Man But Still Retarded

So the dipshit who wanted to make news as the first woman to undergo a sex change to become a man and get pregnant is pregnant again. And just like every normal WOMAN does when they get the good news-you tell every media outlet you can. I'm all about being who you want to be but this is not a man in any way. Sorry. So we've got a bearded woman with short hair is pregnant. Big deal.

[CNN]

Let's Salute America's Real Heroes: 14 Year Old Girls???

John Kass of the Chicago Tribune has a piece up on their website about a "brave" young girl. Downplaying the importance of the nation's first African-American president ever, Kass goes on to show how a brave young girl survived an experiment in the harsh suburb of Oak Park.

"Catherine Vogt, 14, is an Illinois 8th grader, the daughter of a liberal mom
and a conservative dad. She wanted to conduct an experiment in political
tolerance and diversity of opinion at her school in the liberal suburb of Oak
Park."

Her experiment was to wear a shirt to her liberal, Obama supporting (grade) school one day that said "McCain Girl" and the next day wear an "Obama Girl" shirt and then record all reactions and comments in her journal.

I don't think that this is "Brave" as Kass states multiple times in an apparent attempt to out do Maverick this year. Rather I think this is extremely intelligent and insightful for a 14 year old to come up with an experiment like this. She did have to put up with some students and faculty giving off comments like "Go die" or "you should be crucifixed" which is extremely unfortunate but at the same time come on. It doesn't seem to me that the Oak Park middle schools are a battle ground.

"Catherine never told us which candidate she would have voted for if she weren't an 8th grader. But she said she learned what it was like to be in the minority.

'Just being on the outside, how it felt, it was not fun at all,' she said.

Don't ever feel as if you must conform, Catherine. Being on the outside isn't so bad. Trust me."

A newspaper columnist is the voice for the minority. . . A Brave voice for a Brave newspaper in a Brave time. Go Bravely fuck yourself Kass.

[Chicago Tribune]

This Might Stop People from Associating These Two

The Obama administration is barely forming and getting their priorities in order but one thing is for sure: Obama is sick of being confused with Osama. Ok not really he just wants to kill him like we should have done awhile ago.

"'We will kill bin Laden. We will crush AL Qaeda. That has to be our biggest national security priority,' Obama said during the presidential debate on October 7."

I highly doubt he's doing this as a big "Fuck You" to the pastor in the video below. I'm sure making the pastor disappear would be easier than finding Bin Laden, or so it seems with the Bush administration.

[CNN]

It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Gets Injected with HIV Infected Blood

Welcome to Amsterdam where marijuana is legal making this a venerable home away from home for stoners all around the globe. Well it seems some people in Amsterdam are fond of other drugs, like GBH the "date rape" drug.

"A Dutch court convicted two men Wednesday for
attempting to infect 14 victims with HIV in a bizarre sex case.
The Groningen
District Court found the two guilty of severe assault for injecting
semiconscious men with HIV-infected blood at sex parties between January 2006
and May 2007."

I can't even begin to process this except for the fact that I think America scores a victory here on the simple basis that we try to kill each other with good old fashioned violence. We win, sorta.

[Chicago Sun Times]

Cali Homosexual Couples Are Not Free To Enjoy Unhappiness In Marriage

Well California passed Proposition 8 banning gay marriage by 52%. These are the same people that have Arnold Schwarzenegger as their Governor so you know their priorities are in line.

I find it sad that this passed on the heels of one of the most historically monumental times in our country's history. My only hope though is that Obama will further this cause or at least be more tolerant. In the past it's hard enough to get someone to even utter the topic in any kind of a political sense.

Well I guess this is sacred right:

Merry Christmas but Sorry Your Gift Sucks

Obama won yay and shortly revitalized newspaper sales. I did like the Suntimes cover but not this much:

"I'm going to laminate that cover and send them out as Christmas gifts," said
Mathies, 39, who lives in the Austin neighborhood. "I have papers going to New
York, Texas and Arizona -- they're getting a big copy-and I'm also saving one
for my daughter."

Basically your kids will hate you if you give them this as a gift.

[Chicago Sun Times]

Richard Roeper Drives His Chevy to Vote

Roeper published a column to help you get into the election day groove complete with a list of songs on his iPod. One song is "This is Our Country" by John Mellancamp. I swear to god that is the worst song ever due to Chevy whoring it out every 10 minutes during an NFL game. Richard Roeper apparently doesn't like football therefore by simple math he's un-American.

That being said I like Roeper and agree that tomorrow morning we won't have to hear anymore high school style campaigning:

"Candidate Terrible says he's for the people, but his record indicates he hates
people.
Candidate Wonderful is FOR people. He's a person himself, and he's
married to a person as well. Candidate Wonderful: He can turn water into wine."

Thank god now we can get back to Viva Viagra and birth control commercials.

Red State Satire:


[Chicago Sun Times]

America

Ya Election Day.

Detroit: City of Great Traditions Like. . . .Arson

This halloween as most cities in America prepare for kids walking the streets begging for candy, Detroit has bigger things to worry about. Mainly arson.

"At its peak in 1984, 810 fires were reported in Detroit from Oct. 29 to 31,
fueled by, among other things, Devil's Night's growing notoriety and the
city's large number of abandoned buildings."

Apparently foreclosed homes and abandoned buildings can't pass out candy so fuck
em, let's burn em down.

Why not Ford Field why you're at it?

[Chicago Sun Times]

Phillies Win The World Series but Philadelphia Still Sucks

The only thing good from Philadelphia is It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Period.

Wassup Update

The Wassuuuuuuup guys are back. I've included the original video and then the new one. Good stuff.

Original:


2008:

Dwight Schrute Tribute

Dwight wants you to vote:


Great Dwight Tribute:

Worst Marketing Ever

Take Viagra and you'll cheat. Or something like that. Some study or something looked into the increase in infidelity. I'm sure this was a multi-million dollar study too, not like the country has bigger problems.

I hate Viagra commercials:


[Chicago Sun Times]

Fun with Fred

Fun with Fred is gonna be a monthly, weekly, or daily post with experiences with my father Fred. Those of you who know him know that fun is being used very loosely, or pretty much inappropriately.

So my father is currently on vacation and since I live at home (winner) I get to see him even more. As he normally works the afternoon shift each day he would be asleep as I leave for work in the morning. Me being the nice son I am I try to leave quietly so as not to wake him. Not the case with Fred.

Day 1 of his vacation (my hell) I'm woken up at 5am, over 2 hours before I normally do, to the sound of boxes being thrown, slammed, and for all I know being shot at. When I finally get up and rise to go to work I confront him about this and he informed me that I should have been up anyways. When I asked why he said because that's what people do. Knowing I was fighting a losing battle I let it go and showered for work. On my way out the door wouldn't you know it he was asleep. It took all I had not to throw boxes or yell, because you know, that's what people do.

Detroit Sucks on So Many Levels

This isn't really new news but I don't know if everybody knows about it so here ya go. Former Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick is due in court today to receive his 120 day sentence for obstruction of justice in regards to lying about an affair with his chief of staff.

"The pair used their city pagers to arrange trysts, share sexually explicit
desires and praise each other's prowess between the sheets.

More messages were released last week in Beatty's criminal case, further embarrassing the pair and revealing that Kilpatrick, married with three children, likely had other paramours."

I really have nothing to say here other than Detroit sucks.

[Chicago Sun Times]

My Dad Can Kick Your Dad's Ass. . .and a Mountain Lion's

David McClelland is just a normal Carson City resident who likes to watch TV while his son rides his motor bike. He'll be god damned if some punk ass mountain lion tries to fuck up his leisure life. David claims that as his son came home on his bike he saw the 150 pound lion looking to attack so he ran outside and got in between the lion and his son. As the lion growled and snarled, David basically decided that instead of run from this little house cat he would charge it and get a few scratches and a concussion while it backed away from him. Mountain lions are bitches.

I only hope I can be this awesome when I'm a little older. . . . .without having to prove it of course.

[CNN]

Your Monday Morning Fuck It

Monday Morning Fuck It showcases things that happened over the weekend that you may have missed and frankly don't care about.


1) Amy Winehouse hospitalized for lung problems (again) which doctors say are just precautionary, her father says is from cigarettes and crack cocaine, and Ms. Winehouse says is from a casual Friday night.

[People]


2) The Phils have took 3-1 lead in the World Series but since no one likes Philadelphia, Tampa is about as cool as all those "Rayhawks", and the Bears didn't play this week-fuck it.

[ESPN]


3) Palin is going rogue. Unfortunately it's not the fun "crazy, half dressed, slurred speech while evading cops" rogue. It's the "I have my own agenda, diva" rogue. Damn


[CNN]

4) Amy Poehler gave birth to a baby boy Saturday (father is Will Arnett). All is well and Amy said that although baby has only been on this earth only a few days he is already funnier than her SNL Weekend Update co-anchor Seth Meyers.

[People]

5) Last and certainly least, High School Musical 3 opened at number 1 with $42 million dollars. Apparently children aren't affected by Wall Street. My only hope is that in about 10-15 years we don't see NBA superstars singing and dancing mid game- unless of course it's the Knicks which might actually help the team.

[FOX News]

Terry Tate Gets Political

I think we know who Terry is voting for:


Just in case you weren't voting:


One more should do:


[Terry Tate]

"Oh There's Losers. . ."

A 43-year old Tokyo woman has been arrested for killing her "on-line" husband in the (supposedly) popular game Second Life. This is just sad so I'll link the story after the clip.




[Chi Sun-Times]

And That's When Show and Tell Went Downhill. . .

On the heels of one of the highest teen pregnancy rates in Europe, England has made sex education mandatory in schools-even kindergarten. Apparently eating crayons and stealing each other's toys have fallen below nasty kindergarten sexual escapades and rampant pre-pubescent pregnancy.

‘‘It’s vital that this information doesn’t come from playground rumor or the mixed
messages from the media about sex,’’ Schools Minister Jim Knight said Thursday,
announcing that sex ed would be added to the national curriculum.

I went to a catholic grade school but I can only imagine that public school kindergarten playground rumor was also something like this: "Billy likes Suzie." "Ewww Suzie has cooties." Living in the same house as a 5 year old and a 10 year old I can attest that I've never heard either of them reference anything sexual. 5 years old is just too early to bring sex education into schools.

I think more of that money they're using to implement sex ed would be better served on dental care or just write me the checks each month.

[Chicago Sun-Times]

Garden > Decades of (Clergy) Abuse

So the catholic church is looking to finally start making amends with its many abuse victims. Apparently the first step is a garden. Yup, that's write folks, a garden. The Cathedral of Christ the Light in Oakland, California figured some good ole' fashioned greenery should do the trick:

"Part of the church's mission is to make sure we bring healing to people who are
in need of it, even if we were the cause of it," he says. "Having this garden on
the campus says we are serious about our desire to help in your healing process
on whatever level. As this cathedral will be around for 500 years, so will that
garden as a place of healing and hope."

So not only can you throw money to cover up clergy abuse but it turns out some dirt and plants work just as well. At least it's not this.

[CNN.com]

Trick or Treat-Or Jail

So it's almost that time once again where kids get dressed up in elaborate costumes to go get free candy throughout their neighborhood. That is unless you live in sexual predator land. Local law enforcement agencies all around the country are cracking down on sex offenders in a variety of ways:

"South Carolina has a 5 p.m. Halloween curfew for sex offenders on
probation or
parole. They cannot give out candy or have their outdoor lights
on.

Texas requires registered sex offenders to turn off their porch lights
and prohibits
them to have any exterior decorations between 5 p.m. and 5
a.m., with parole,
probation and police officers checking to see if they
comply."

Some see this as the right step and some see this as further punishing those that may have paid their dues already and are abiding by their parole terms. Personally you can't single out those that have been wrongfully convicted or are law abiding. So why not just blanket all sex offenders with regulations on their lives? It worked with the Patriot Act right?

Either way I think we all are missing the point here. We overlook the fact we celebrate All Saint's Eve or All Hallow's Eve by dressing up as the opposite of a saint-a devil or ghost from hell or purgatory. That's why this year on Christmas eve I'm going to dress up in traditional Jewish attire.

(Of course I believe that's the predator in reference here)

[Chicago Sun-Times]