Things I'm Shocked By

1. Jesse James cheated on Sandra Bullock. I know her accent in the Blind Side was bad but not that bad. Definitely not bad enough to fuck a tattoo parlor. I mean when I think trophy girl I thing snake coming out of your vagina.

2. Lady Gaga is being sued by her ex boyfriend. I don't care what she's being sued for (whose dick is bigger?) but I'm shocked that she has an ex boyfriend and more so that he's willing to admit it in a court of law. I'd pay her to keep that quiet.

3. Tiger Woods is still news. He's not still having sex is he? He's playing in the Master, big deal. What shocks me is that people still think he's a sex addict. The man used what he had to get more of what he wanted. He's not addicted, he was resourceful. There.

I Can't Wait. . .

. . .to have a child so I can neglect it like I do this blog. So what has been going on since I last updated? Life, and I'm sorry for anyone that is mad at me for that. A few things:

• I live at home with my fiance now so I believe the posts about my father will be back and better (and it's not a rip off of ShitMyDadSays, I was doing it before that in a different way)
• Don't judge me for anything I said above. I'm unemployed and live with my parents.
• I will not be doing the Texts of The Day from Texts from Last Night anymore. I feel that they all are just jokes that aren't natural anymore. Instead I'll be focusing on more serious stuff, like healthcare reform, politics, and naturally this.
• Also basketball is back on and it's NBC thursday night so this is getting cut short.

But here's a nice parting gift for everyone:

TFLN Texts of The Day

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Hell Yeah

This article can probably be filed under "MEN." And if there was a gun-punctuation mark it would be in there too. This is a picture of the new A-Team movie's four leading actors: Bradley Cooper (The Hangover) as Face, Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson (UFC Fighter) as B.A. Baracus, Sharlto Copley (District 9) as Murdock, and Liam Neeson (Taken & Batman Begins) as Hannibal. Also not picture is Jessica Biel which is an extra bonus for men. I assume this movie is going to take the route of Transformers 2, which is just to blow shit up and have a sexy chick come in the picture in random places. Fine by me.

This Isn't It, By A Long Shot

(I'd watch a Bubbles movie)

Michael Jackson's final film/concert/goodbye/drainage of money comes out this Wednesday and people can not wait(read here-excuse the grammar, iZ oNlY dA EnTeRnEtT). I for one am not one of those people thank god. I'm gonna get ripped for this but I could really care less to see this movie at all. Maybe when it is on VH1 in a few months I'll give it a look but it still won't be as good as The Jacksons Movie (full video here if you haven't seen it).

People are acting as if this is his farewell message to his fans but it is not. If he knew he was going to die (re: overdose) and recorded a movie saying goodbye and chronicling his last days then it would be completely different. But we can play the if game all day long and this movie still won't be anything other than an attempt to make money off a dead man. I do not want to watch a glorified "practice session." Many people are saying "But this is his LAST movie." I didn't watch any of his other movies anyways so I could care less.

Now I'm not here to shit on arguably one of the greatest entertainers of all time just stating my opinion. So in between Tool Academy, Rock of Love, Charm School, Behind The Music, Anvil, and all the other VH1 programs that instill family values I'll look for This Is It, then inevitably This Is More of It the sequel.

Maybe Your Child Shouldn't Be Such a Fairy

(He's pleasant looking)

"Where The Wild Things Are" was one of my favorite books growing up and I've passed it on to two of my younger siblings. If you are unfamiliar with it it's about a spoiled kid who gets sent to his room and embarks upon a journey of his own imagining. He meets friendly monsters and becomes their king. (It's a short synopsis because it is a children's book, that's all there is)

Recently Spike Jonze (Jackass, Jackass 2, and more) was chosen to direct the big screen adaptation of Maurice Sendak's 1963 book. Personally I have not seen the movie yet but am looking forward to it. Many reviews are positive for the most part except for the fact that some tend to say the film would be scary for young kids. Newsweek brought this up to Mr. Sendak, and well, he will have none of that:

"I would tell them to go to hell," Sendak said. And if children can't handle the story, they should "go home," he added. "Or wet your pants. Do whatever you like. But it's not a question that can be answered."

Except for the fact that he answered it, well in my eyes at least. But he didn't stop there, apparently he had a bone to pick with Disney and that prick Mickey Mouse:

"Sendak also criticised Disney, saying it was "terrible" for children. . . "He did things to Minnie that were not nice. I think what happened was that he became so popular – this is my own theory – they gave his cruelty and his toughness to Donald Duck. And they made Mickey a fat nothing. . . I despised him after a point."

Personally, I see his point, if your kids can't handle Where The Wild Things Are then stop sheltering them. What happens when the kid gets to high school, shit can get a lot scarier there. Having siblings that watch Nickelodeon and Disney it is a lot more refreshing to see something out there that is not cookie cutter. There is no more TGIF on Fridays for kids to watch or even decent Saturday morning cartoons, so yes, if you think this is scary, go to hell.

[Guardian]

It's Not You It's Me

Sorry I haven't updated in forever, I guess people were actually reading this. I'm not gonna try and go back and cover anything so we'll just pretend like I've been doing this consistently. Great.

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (267): i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
2. (865): If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
3. (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
4. (706): Did we have sex last night?(1-706): I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
5. (203): I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
6. (604): I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
7. (325): That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
8. (310): you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
9. (865): Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
10. (403): and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants

Jessica Simpson Can Predict The Future?

Jessica Simpson had an interview in the new edition of Glamour that took place before her break up with "that's my quarterback." She pondered about how she would cope with losing Tony Romo. She then likened a breakup to a "close death in the family." Except I'm pretty sure your creepy dad doesn't push them to their death. It's ok though because she can rely on her many talents like her brains:


Her great music:


Or her great acting:

Bill Clinton Did Not Get The Hans Brix Treatment

Bill "Superman" Clinton went to North Korea to get two American journalists freed from North Korea for spying-at least I think it's spying, I refuse to read the article I'm attributing this to even. I basically picked this up because Billy C did what our President couldn't do and most importantly for this:



[SunTimes]

Wisconsin Women. . .

I hope most of you (men) have heard this story by now and maybe taken caution. No, I'm not saying don't sleep around, just don't do it in Wisconsin.

A man was tied up, blindfolded, and bound to a bed in a Wisconsin motel by his wife and three lovers. He was then assaulted physically and sexually (re:penis super glued to his stomach). The women obviously committed a felony and face six years in prison for the offense which is nowhere near long enough.

I think the guy actually came out on top in this story though, he will for sure be getting a divorce and will no longer be with a woman from Wisconsin.

[SunTimes]

Saved By The Bell Reunion

Does it really even matter? The (televised) Saved By The Bell reunion that everyone can can't wait for-the one that is being spearheaded by Jimmy Fallon- is running into a few problems. Those problems happen to be Dustin Diamond (Screech) and Dennis Haskins (Mr. Belding). The People magazine issue above came out recently and had the entire cast except Screech, Mr. Belding, and Leah Remini (I can hope) on it, which naturally led to bitching.

Like everyone else I grew up with this show and while it would be cool to see them all together I could also do without it. Part of the appeal of this show was being a child and watching it. Then you get to high school and realize this isn't partying, you rarely talk to your principal, and fights are a lot worse than this. Oh well, I'm sure it will happen because everyone is so busy these days.

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (403): you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
2. (719): then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
3. (918): The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
4. (815): Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
5. (323): Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?(1-323): We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?(323): Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
6. (416): I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.(1-416): u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
7. (732): my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
8. (858): I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
9. (909): why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
10. (978): my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night

[TFLN]

She Should Get The Death Penalty

A 67 year old woman in New York poured boiling water on her sleeping husband's genitals that led to 2nd and 3rd degree burns over 30% of his body. She did this because she found out that her 67 year old husband of 20 years was having an affair. First off, congrats that you're still healthy to have sex at 67, and secondly fuck her. That's just so painful. I hated her when I read the link.

[WPIX]

Study: Tanning Beds are Bad For You. . .

A new study shows that tanning beds are bad for you. . .no shit. This was one of those inventions that tried to improve on an effect from one of God's creations, except it didn't work and is stupid. Nothing worse than a girl with leathery skin that may glow in the dark. Dumb.

[Tribune]

Obama Should Have Kept His Mouth Shut, Twice

I don't often write stuff that is supposed to be smart but I guess I'll suppress my comedic thoughts for a bit.

If you haven't heard of the story (you live in a cave) here's a quick run down: A prominent professor returns home with his driver, both men are African American, and has problems getting into his house. After trying several times to get in the front and back door the professor and his driver shoulder their way through the door. A neighbor or passerby witnesses all this and calls the police to report a possible break in. When the white police officer arrives to investigate he has words with the professor and ultimately ends up arresting him.

The exchange between the two is disputed with the officer saying the professor was uncooperative while the professor says he was. That is all "he said, she said" at this point. Aside from that President Obama came out and said that the police department "acted stupidly" and admitted he may be biased as the professor is a friend of his.

In my opinion Obama acted stupidly for making a biased opinion, especially when he was fully unaware of the facts. Mary Mitchell of the SunTimes, who I rarely agree with and matter of factly think 99% of her articles are complete trash, wrote two articles that I mostly agree with (article 1 here and article 2 here). Once again I said mostly agree so don't read into it too much. The key point in both her articles though that I 100% agree with is that she says both sides overreacted. That's what this whole event is including the President, who, like I said should have kept his mouth shut.

Ya, Sorry I Tend To Try and Work Sometimes

Sorry for the absensce but I'm trying to work to keep my job in this economy, crazy I know. In the mean time take this as a token of my appreciation:



Old but still funny.

TFLN Texts of The Day

Texts of the day:

1. (970): I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
2. (858): I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn start.
3. (818): My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
4. (301): Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
5. (315): So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
6. (740): Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook. (740): Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight.
7. (415): I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die? (510): I hope so
8. (508): even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
9. (917): I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
10. (613): Sorry, I don't speak sober.
11. (843): His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.

Bubbles is Ok

And no not your favorite stripper. We are talking about Michael's former monkey. He was found in an animal sanctuary doing well and is now 26 years old. I don't know how old that is relative to human years but he looks old in the link below.

He will not be attending the funeral though because he is "too violent." I would pay to see a violent monkey at a funeral. It would definitely lighten the mood and what would be funnier than Bubbles flinging shit at Joe Jackson?

[DailyMail]

Shiiiiiiiiit

The Sears Tower opens its new skydeck viewing area today and I for one will not be in attendance. As cool as this looks I do not trust it. I'm a big guy and I was not meant to fly or levitate above the ground near the world's tallest building (fuck you Malysia). I am pretty sure god would have taken care of the whole flying thing if need be. Plus I do not want to be in there with that asshole who rides the elevator/ferris wheel and thinks it would be hilarious to jump up and down or rock around. No thank you. On my death bed I'll be perfectly happy not visiting this thing.

[Yahoo]